


Cold Coffee, Warm Daydreams

by foreverpants



Series: cold coffee, warm universe [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Sad, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Starbucks, US Women's Soccer National Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:57:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 33,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5497811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverpants/pseuds/foreverpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ali sees a stranger at this particular Starbucks and she sees the future.</p><p>And someday, it leads onto more.</p><p>(The relationships tagged are endgame, although there will definitely be others. But I'm not going to tag them. No thanks)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the daydream

**Author's Note:**

> okay sorry there are weird breaks/spaces in random areas bc i wrote it on the Google Docs app and i guess it does that? well i hope it doesn't bother anyone too much. also i did not go through and edit it.

You sit in your car outside a Starbucks, which is only one of the many in the city you live in and learned to love. Rain is falling and annoys you with the constant pitter-patter, and when you drive, you hate the sound the windshield wipers make. They make you feel alone in that five-seat BMW. Your parents bought it for you when you were sixteen because they loved you, not that they don’t anymore, but they argue too much to talk to you or your brother.

As for your brother, he refuses to appear in your life. You take it from his perspective and you understand; he has a busy life, he has his own battles and struggles. You sympathize yourself rarely; he could talk to you, even if it’s just for five minutes. He drops texts on important, commercialized days, like Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and your birthday. These never fail to make you smile, but you want to feel his arms around you again. You crave your childhood because back then, everything lasted forever and everyone stayed.

Shaking these thoughts from your head, you sigh and walk into the upbeat and lowkey Starbucks. It smells of business and coffee beans, and just about every two seconds, you hear that annoying mechanized sound of that stupid coffee machine. You hate a lot of sounds, and that surely is one of them. Do you hate yourself enough to walk back in here everyday just to feel alive? It’s a rhetorical question, you definitely do. Besides, hot caramel macchiato feels nice on your tongue when you wait just long enough.

You order from someone who knows you too damn well, not that you’re surprised, but still. You two bond over how you, technically, have the same name. She tells you about her girlfriend, Tobin, a lot, which is comforting, but also not. You’re still happy that someone out there is in love. The one person who has invited you to anywhere in this city is a damn barista (just how unlucky exactly _are_ you?).

She flashes a smile to you after handing you your drink. She tells you that she made it extra hot because today is extra cold. It takes you all your willpower to not “accidentally” spill the drink on her because today, you’re extra annoyed. Alex is a nice girl, but you wonder if she has any depth to her.

It doesn’t matter. You take your drink and you thank her, because that’s how your mother raised you. If she found out what you thought every second of the day, she would be ashamed in you and downright mad.

You sit down at a table for one and feel the heat of your drink radiate onto your face. It contrasts deeply from the cold weather that has buried itself in your skin recently; sometimes you really hated the rain. It always made everything so dull and blue, if not blue, then black and white. You wanted something to restore color back into your life.

Then, you see her.

She’s tall, she’s blonde, and your jaw almost drops because you can’t decide whether you want to look like her or you want to do parental-disappointing things with her. She stands in line and you swear that if you were miniature, you would fill her cheeks with water and swim in them because they’re that beautiful and surely hollower than yours, but not by much. It’s one of your favorite features in people, also, jawlines. This girl has a strong one, and it’s almost like she was made for you to look at.

You never see girls like this, not even in the movies. She looks dapper, dressed fully with a tie and everything. Suddenly, it’s like you’re underdressed, because you couldn’t find the motivation to leave your oversized sweatshirt, joggers, and black Nikes. You’re like a literal grey cloud, raining down on everyone’s parade.

Anyone can appreciate this girl’s beauty, and she tells Alex that her name is Ashlyn. It’s a nice name, Ashlyn. You immediately grab out your phone and look up the meaning of it. Babycenter.com tells you that Ashlyn means “a beautiful woman in a dream or vision” and it derives from Irish Gaelic.

It isn’t until she becomes aware that you’re staring at her and she smiles at you that you realize her beauty. You smile back and think about the future.

If you guys didn’t meet in this coffee shop, you would probably meet through mutual friends. Maybe Alex would have introduced her to you.

You meet her at Alex’s birthday party. It’s in Alex and Tobin’s modern, highrise apartment downtown, and maybe you run into her in the elevator. You smalltalk with her, then compliment her snapback even though you despise when you see pubescent teenage boys wearing neon variations of them. Actually, for the most part, you plainly detest seeing them, but hey, it looks fine on her. The two of you laugh once you realize that you’re going to the same floor, and as you exit, you bid farewell, but then that awkward moment happens where you’re going in the same direction. It freaks you out a little and you think that this girl might be a stalker, but regardless, you talk to her and go to Alex’s apartment.

Once you walk in, it’s pretty clear that Alex and Tobin were doing something that absolutely was not preparing for the party. You stare at Ashlyn with wide eyes and she stares right back at you.

Skipping to the good part, Alex gets incredibly drunk and is the only one who does. She constantly climbs on Tobin, who constantly tries pulling her off (but she secretly enjoys it). The three of you share a laugh and you realize that this stranger is actually really fun to talk to. Somehow, you work up enough courage to ask to exchange phone numbers with her.

You guys text a lot, mostly about Alex and Tobin, but sometimes the conversation steers towards your personal lives. Being a relatively private person, this is new to you. There is also nothing going on in your life at the moment, so the conversation always leads to her. She doesn’t mind, you don’t mind, it’s fine.

Some certain Friday, Ashlyn asks if you want to hang out. Of course you accept, this girl is freaking gorgeous and your humor intertwines beautifully with hers. Besides, you’re bored and your only friends are probably spending time together, because, you know, they’re dating. So you head to her place, and it’s actually a pretty big place for someone who lives alone. You pretty much struggle with your own rent every month.

You two bond even more and she tells you that you’re a really wonderful person. You find out how free-spirited she is, how her soul seeks adventure. She also chases you with an olive oil pourer (dispenser?), you’re not quite sure how or why that happens. You’re exhausted by the end of the night. While she’s catching up on some TV show, you fall asleep on her. She probably doesn’t mind.

So, you get thrown out the next month after that. You have a job, but it really does not pay much, especially not with your lifestyle. For once, Ali Krieger is struggling. Actually, no, your life is a never-ending struggle, but this is the final straw. You can’t hide and pretend it’s okay if you don’t have a roof over your head anymore. While hanging out with Alex, Tobin, and Ashlyn, you announce that. You’re tipsy when you do it, but it doesn’t change that you remember. Ashlyn’s offer still stands the next morning: she lets you move in with her.

Over the past months, your friendship _has_ grown, as with your weird crush on her, but this is really sudden. You gratefully accept and take what little things you have to her place. There is more than enough room for the both of you. The first night you spend there, you break down crying because you realize that your life is going down the drain. You’re only twenty-something, you have time, but you have no clue what you’re going to do with all of it.

Ashlyn holds you and tells you that everything will be okay. You believe her. There’s that one moment where everything seems perfect. She’s holding you up on the leather couch since you’re powerless at the moment, and it’s very, very dim. Rain is hitting the window, but you don’t mind the pitter-patter. She kisses you, and your heart is leaping out of your chest because this cannot be real. But it is. And you kiss her back.

Alex and Tobin knew it all along.

Your first time isn’t too far after that. It isn’t your first time in general, just your first time with her. As she crawls on top of you and kisses your neck, you wish that this was your actual first time. It’s a lot better than those lonely college nights or that time you were bored with -- Nevermind. This is what matters now.

Your first fight happens when you’re tired enough to get mad at each other. It’s undeniable that her long hours working at night so her days are unoccupied has got on your nerves, but it’s really just because you miss her. She takes this the wrong way and says that _someone_ has to make a living, because clearly you have not been doing a good job at it. This stings. What bothers you about her is that when she does happen to be available, she just wants to do anything but be with you. There’s a reason you two are in a relationship, and communication is clearly one of them.

She storms into the room, which signals you to stay out in the living room until the morning. You seem to uncover that it is less about the amount of time you spend with her that makes you love her, but more about the time itself. You love her. You love her. You love her, you really do. You think about why you’re with her and how genuine she is as a person, and you regret it. Deep down, she regrets it too, but unlike you, she does not blame herself for everything immediately. You sleep out on the couch that night and remember every good moment you have had with her, and you desire more.

Someday, it works out.

You two are, unsurprisingly, with Alex and Tobin on a beautiful Friday night. To you, it’s like the night that you met Ashlyn. It’s a few winters after you guys have met, and you’re still twenty-something somehow. Alex suggests the dumb idea of going ice skating and everyone agrees. You bundle up in one of Ashlyn’s sweatshirts even though Lord knows you have so many of your own.

Alex and Tobin are off being cute while Ashlyn is still helping you skate. You pick up quickly. Ashlyn glides to the DJ who is playing some upbeat pop song. She whispers in his ear something, and you’re puzzled. She points to you, whispers something, and he looks at you and nods. She skates back to you and you instantly hear a familiar song: “Your Song” by Elton John.

You realize what she has done, putting you right in the middle of the rink. A part of you doesn’t know how to react (or maybe your entire self just doesn’t). The song was sprinkled through your daily lives. You would occasionally hum it while making food or listen to it before you two went to bed. It wasn’t like the rest of your music, but you enjoyed it nonetheless. The song had become as familiar to your relationship as waking up next to her.

Some thirty seconds in, Ashlyn somehow balances herself, propping herself up on one knee. Your brain doesn’t process it until she pulls out a small, black box and carefully opens it, as if it were all the world’s secrets. Your heart is racing because you know what it is.

“Will you marry me?” she asks, a hint of nervousness in her voice. Your jaw drops and you leave her unanswered for barely two seconds, because you would be stupid to decline. This is everything you have dreamed of.

You accept. She gets up and places the silver ring on your finger. It has a single diamond, and for you, that is enough. Her soft lips find yours, and although you have never been one for PDA, you don’t mind this. Even though you’re dressed extremely casually compared to her, you don’t mind anything. She has this cute little bow tie that has always been your favorite.

One day, once you’re halfway done with being twenty-something, you two are standing with each other right where you’ve always wanted to be with her: the altar. Your parents are there. Your brother is there. Alex and Tobin are there. Everyone that matters is there. It is beautiful.

You are married to Ashlyn.

Someday, after your days of being twenty-something are over, you two have kids. There’s not much to say about it except that you two have been through everything and still have so much more to be through together. The discovery of each other and journey in being a couple, however, is over. It was exciting while it lasted, and as long as you two still love each other, it is more than enough for you. Ashlyn loves you, you love Ashlyn. It is beautiful.

But once you take a sip of your now cold caramel macchiato, you realize you have waited too long.

You finish your uncharacteristically bitter drink while the girl is walking out.

You sigh and walk out of the Starbucks, thanking Alex on your way out. You’re no longer surrounded by the pleasant warmth of a cafe, stuck in your own daydream, falling in love with a stranger. You’re out in the dreary, dismal real world.

You see Ashlyn again and know that in another life, you two would have been together. You aren't even mad.

(Maybe you go up to talk to her and everything happens, because maybe this is the life where you do end up with her. Maybe not.)


	2. i'm too lucky.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali Krieger now works at Starbucks. Stuff happens. She sees someone. She thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like leaving this open to interpretation, so i suppose one could consider this an "alternate" thing. i just really enjoyed writing this, so i supppooooooseee reading the continuation is optional. or she could just be daydreaming everything again and i'm an asshole, but you never know :-)

First, it's Alex's birthday, and now, it's Christmas before you know it. You've always held this day sacred, religious or not. Being the nice person that Alex is, she invites you over for Christmas Eve dinner, so you guys can tear up the street on Christmas day.

You're surprised that she didn't decide to go home to Southern California. She seemed pretty fond of her family when she mentioned them, so it was only expected to leave this city and return to somewhere familiar. Yet, for whatever strange reason, she wanted _your_ company.

No matter how much she tried escaping talking about how Tobin was going to be there, it failed in the end. You couldn't help but feel like a third wheel, because, well, that's exactly what you were. It was Alex and Tobin, and you. At this rate, people might believe you guys are all just heterosexual gal pals, heterosexualing it up in the city.

That might actually be true if it weren't for the fact that they were always all over each other.

For some reason, you can't shake that girl out of your mind. _Ashlyn._ You don't know her at all, but something about her was just so right. You even got a job at that Starbucks to prove your useless loyalty to her. Alex likes to think that you did it for her, because you love giving her company, and you like to let her think that.

You don't even need your apartment anymore. You spend so much time at that Starbucks being weird about a girl you don't even know. Alex always jokes about bringing you a sleeping bag so you could stay there, and sometimes you think that it isn't that bad of an idea.

The day before Christmas Eve (Alex dubs it: the Eve of Christmas Eve), you're working a shift, unsurprisingly. Your boss loves how hardworking and ambitious you are, but it's just been getting weird. You listen to everyone's orders and tell them to have a nice day half-heartedly, it's a routine (of course it is, you work at Starbucks).

When someone orders a caramel macchiato, you tell them they made a right choice. Full-heartedly. The drink always brought back good memories that never even happened. It was harmful for you to think about actually having someone, because you don't. You're starting to doubt you ever having someone.

You're caught up in a daydream when a customer waves a hand in your fave. The girl's extremely polite when she does it, as polite as gestures like that can be. She seems to slip you a pass; it's seven-thirty on a Wednesday, and your Starbucks was the least visited out of the whole city's.

"Oh, shoot, sorry," you apologize. You don't maintain eye contact with her because you don't want her to know just how tired you really are. "What can I get for you?"

You're staring down at the register as she contemplates, faking that you're doing hard work. "I want to try something new," she tells you, "what do you suggest?"

"You're acting like this is a fancy restaurant," you joke, still not looking at her. She laughs and you can literally _feel_ the eye roll. "I love caramel macchiato. Hot. Ten out of ten, would recommend."

You're imagining her appearance, which is a lot more fun than looking at her. You think, maybe, she's an office worker, or school teacher. You think she's awfully young, too. Maybe she's a college student, not high school because those would never joke with you. This girl sounds like she has brown hair, if that's possible. She's probably wearing a blue scarf and uses the hashtag "#sweaterweather" on Instagram when she posts a picture of her and her six-foot-four boyfriend.

"I guess I'm getting the caramel macchiato!" she exclaims, accepting your suggestion.

"Great, you made the right choice," you say, looking up quickly.

You pause.

You're nearly horrified at who it is, but of course, you don’t show it.

It's that girl, Ashlyn. You're stoked to see her, but really? Seven in the morning? You need to work the morning shift more.

"Aren't you supposed to ask me my name?" Ashlyn asks. You're staring at her bow tie.

To get rid of the weirdness of everything, you ask her name. You consider pretending to be psychic and saying that you know her name, but you don’t want to freak anyone out. It’s too early to embarrass yourself. She tells you knowledge you already had, then waits for her drink. Your shift is only a few more hours, you can survive this.

You suck at making drinks, so you drag your coworker to make it for you while you, once again, pretend to be of some use around the store. He sneers at you jokingly and finishes it. You’re almost always stuck with him, but you don’t really mind. He’s the only person you really talk to when Alex isn’t there. You’re always so surprised when people are nice enough to talk to you.

“Ashlyn,” you call out, sliding the drink onto the silver counter. She picks it up promptly.

“Thank you, um…” She searches for your name tag.

“Ali,” you tell her quickly. You make a mental note to go find your lost identity later.

“Thank you, Ali.” She sits back down at the table, still looking at you.

She asks you how long you’ve been working here and you wonder if she has caught on. There’s a glint in her eye from the outside light, which you keep staring at. If you’re trying to hide that you find her attractive and want to get to know her, you’re doing a poor job at it.

You tell her you’ve only been working here a few months, which is the truth. You wonder where she works, because you’re a curious person, so you ask her. You aren’t awkward enough to just stutter and mumble all the time. She tells you she works part-time at one of those skateboard/surf shops nearby, which you’re quite familiar of. You’ve never gone inside one, though, because God knows you would only look like a fool there. Those places are for _1._ teenage boys who suck at skateboarding and _2._ girls who you have no chance with.

They also probably have a lot of tattoos there and that intimidates you because you have about two, and neither of them are urban or threatening. This is in your favor only because it’s the only way you could have secured your job at Starbucks. Dress codes are something you never could understand.

Speaking of tattoos, Ashlyn has them. Her left arm is clad with tattoos that remind you of mythology. You let her enjoy her drink while you toy with the gift cards on display. She walks out, smiling and thanking you. You mentally thank her for her presence, praying you'll be around it again.


	3. the stories she tells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe there's a little more to Tobin and Alex that Ali didn't know about. Also, it's Christmas Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years! or, well, here it's new year's eve. hope you enjoy this cute little talex-centric chapter.

You feel very awkward watching Alex and Tobin practically make out on their couch. It’s the holiday season, which is usually family friendly, but this is anything but. They still keep conversation with you, asking you how your day was and all the polite phrases. This is good enough for you.

“I saw that girl again,” you tell them.

Alex removes her face from Tobin’s, which you don’t think is really possible. “Wait, the hot skater one or the preppy blonde bitch who always complains about how her lattes aren’t ‘right?’” she asks, “I don’t know, Ali. You have a lot of girls. Well, no, you don’t, but you’re trying.”

You narrow her eyes. Alex is the one person you can tolerate joking about your love life. She is also the only person who does, and she is additionally your only friend. This might play a factor in how mad you get at her (you never do). You choose the first option, and it shocks her how interested you are in her. Tobin keeps staring at Alex and you consider leaving them to their business. Something about gingerbread cookies and multicolored lights really got Tobin going, clearly.

Tobin rarely joins in on your conversations with Alex, but she does this time. “Hot skater girl? Do I know her?” You nearly forgot how equally free-spirited Tobin happened to be. She’s kind of like Ashlyn, but also, no. Tobin genuinely enjoys the Bible and you can’t see Ashlyn picking it up. You wonder if Tobin reads Alex the Bible at night and how long Alex manages to stay awake without getting ticked off or falling asleep.

Then again, Alex is whipped and truly loves Tobin enough to be slightly interested in things which she doesn’t care for. That would be you.

You shrug at Tobin’s question. She probably doesn’t; this city is big despite how comfortable you feel in it. This is not a town where you can walk up to someone and know them, or where you know your neighbors and everything about their great aunts. The most you know about your neighbors is that they love to keep you awake with their atrocious sitcoms.

“What’s her name?” Alex asks. You wonder, since they are glued together, if their body temperature is considered one. Instead of 98.6 degrees fahrenheit being “normal,” would the Alex-Tobin body temperature be twice of a normal one, equalling 197.2 degrees? That doesn’t sound healthy.

You tell them her name, and Tobin makes some noise like she knows who it is. It’s some kind of weird squeal, but at this rate, that could come from anything. “Does she work at the Skurf?” Tobin asks. You stare at her like you have just heard the stupidest thing in the world, because you just did. “You know, the Skurf.” She explains that it really isn’t the name of the shop, and you don’t care why she came up with that lame nickname.

Alex looks at you with a Jaden Smith kind of face, the worried kind. She maintains that face while Tobin explains what skurfing actually is, and it sounds incredibly dangerous to you. Why were you friends with someone so lame? It really doesn’t matter. You have to figure out something about Ashlyn (and, in case it matters, you know that is absolutely not the name of it).

You describe Ashlyn to them, but only the basics. You don’t tell them about her exceptional bleach blonde hair that you were so unfamiliar with. They don’t hear about her voice, which is so… perfect? Is that the word? You have never been more infatuated to someone’s voice. Your ninth grade physical education teacher is a close second (she was _only_ , like, twenty-something!).

They do not know about your weird attraction to this stranger, because that’s exactly what it is: weird. It is more than admiring her appearance, which is what they think it is. Maybe you are just lonely, but you want this girl.

Your last real relationship was back in high school. You were sixteen and your hormones were crazy and it was with that girl in the grade above yours. You were a junior in high school. That might have been the closest thing to love for you, and as recent as it is (you’re fresh out of college, basically, being twenty-three), it feels so, so distant.

There was when you studied abroad in Germany for a year and you really didn’t want to go on that date with that German girl, but you did. Perhaps it was then where you lost your trust in the world, where you became cynical. She was exactly the reason. Still, you love Germany, even with this haunting you.

Other than this, your love life has been in a horrible drought. They really can’t blame you for feeling like you love someone you don’t know.

You guys talk about her for an hour. Her name is Ashlyn Harris, she works with Tobin Heath. She’s a local, but found her love for skating and surfing in a small coastal town. One could find her surfing or skating (how surprising). She works the afternoon shift and her father owns the shop.

* * *

When you wake up the next morning, you’re still at Alex and Tobin’s place. You have a thick blanket over your body and people are just starting to live again. It is Christmas Eve, and yet, you have never felt less Christmassy than before. Nothing has gone wrong and you’re in a decent mood, but the holiday season just doesn’t exist.

Alex and Tobin have a cute Christmas tree in the corner. It looks out of place since there isn’t much life inside their house besides them (and you, occasionally). Also, it’s the only splash of color, even if it is dull. You look out their window, which is the entire left side of their living room, only to see the same city streets. No snow. Good thing on your part. It’s cold enough as it is, and you only have one layer on.

Tobin comes out of their room, yawning. You’re on your phone, the lights from a dumb game flashing through your eyes. Wonderful way to start Christmas Eve off, you would say.

“Yo, morning, Ali,” Tobin greets. She sits down next to you, and considering this is her home and her couch, you are fine with this. You return the greeting and get back to your relaxation. After all, you don’t have work today. “How are you?” She seems genuine. It is like she really wants to know, which catches you off guard.

“I’m good,” you say. She stares down at the ground, which indicates nine times out of ten that she is going to want something from you. You try to keep her on that uneasy ground just because it’s fun. “How often, exactly, do you guys have sex? As far as I know, it’s everyday.” You don’t say it in a cold way to mock it. You’re actually curious, because it’s a _lot_.

Tobin scratches the back of her head and looks over at you. You are showing no emotion, you’re just staring at her. “Um, well, it’s definitely a lot. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, we just really like being with each other.” You tell her it isn’t a bad thing, but it _is_ a lot. She obviously sees that, because that’s exactly what she said.

She tells you that she loves Alex more than anything in the world. Her body is just extra; she is here for her soul. She tells you that in these past years (which is apparently a good seven years), she has felt truly alive. She asks you if you have ever felt that way about someone, where your heart is always warm because you know you have someone for you.

You can’t say yes without lying, so you don’t say anything. She ignores your silence and tells you about how they met when they were sixteen in their Chemistry class and how she chased Alex’s affection until it actually worked. Tobin goes on about prom night, but it feels like you’re listening to that audio porn, so you stop listening halfway through that tale.

She tells you that it was difficult for them once they graduated. Of course they wanted to be with each other, but how realistic was it that they could? They were two different people and got accepted into different universities because of it. They had different needs and still do, because they weren’t the same person.

Tobin notes how in all the great romantic films, the protagonists desire to find someone similar to them, if not exactly like them. She says that her and Alex weren’t like that at all. On one end, you had Alex who knew exactly what she wanted to do and where she wanted to end up (although Starbucks wasn’t exactly the place, she was working on it). On the other, you had Tobin whose major for quite a while started with “un” and ended with “declared.” She just wanted to roll with things.

You hear the story about how Tobin and Alex made it through. She admits that sometimes, they don’t work out and wonder why they bothered putting seven years in, but they will fall asleep that night full of regret if they don’t apologize. Not because that is what people do in relationships, but because they love each other tremendously. She says that Alex is the one thing she can really stick by, the one thing she can depend on, the one thing that has her stable.

Some few months or years later, they end up in this city together (keyword: together). They made it work and you’re sitting in their living room, so it clearly is not over yet. Tobin tells you about how she loves Alex’s happiness. Alex’s happiness is not her happiness; she does not depend on Alex, she merely loves seeing someone else so happy.

And yes, she notes they tend to seemingly be primarily lust, but there is love threaded in there. It’s hot, and it’s “nothing more than sex,” at least to most people, but it feels like connection between them. Tobin loves that. Tobin wants nothing more than Alex Morgan in her life, and God, you wish that someone was as passionate about you as Tobin is with Alex. Tobin never seems to tire of Alex even if she’s being moody or just being Alex.

She tells you she wants to propose to her. There’s a fire in her eyes and you have no clue where it came out of, but she seems really excited. It’s like she’s never thought about it before, which wouldn’t surprise you. They’re content with the relationship they have and probably even have a joint bank account (they’re practically married already).

Marriage has always struck you funny. This is obviously a big deal and you know how stoked Alex will be. You’ve listened to her for the longest time talking about Tobin. It’s always been beautiful to you how happy they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh


	4. it was the best of times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleepy Alex plus awake Tobin. Ali and Ashlyn properly meet, and there's (kind of) a lot of contact. Ali still thinks "skurf" is a stupid nickname for a store.

Though it’s cold and you would much rather stay inside, Tobin insists that you come to the Skurf with her. She doesn’t have work, but like you, she likes spending time at her workplace. Although, come to think of it, yours are for different reasons.

You never hang out with Tobin alone, so this is new for you. Most of your opinions on her are based off of how she is with Alex, considering you see them as one person. She’ll let you into her house if Alex invites you over and you’re there before she is.

Anyway, Alex is still asleep when you two are about to leave. Tobin takes you into their room, which you’re only ever in for a few minutes at a time, mostly if Alex wants to get something. Like their living room, one wall of their bedroom is purely glass. Alex is curled up under their grey sheets, her head resting on a pure white pillow. She is backlit by the uncovered glass wall.

Tobin sits next to her, moving the girl’s hair out of her face. She kisses her forehead, causing her to wake up.

“Hi,” you hear Alex say. She’s half asleep and her voice is soft. A smile appears on Tobin’s face. “Are you going out?” She looks over at you.

Tobin nods and you kind of feel guilty that Alex isn’t coming along. “I want Ali to get to know Ashlyn,” she explains. Alex looks at you and there are smiles all around. She cares about you, she really does. She wants you to be loved. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alex says, “I’m going to go back to bed.” Tobin is pulled into a hug. It looks soft, the kind of feeling when you aren’t wearing a bra and you’re just in a really soft, loose t-shirt. That is a nice feeling, nearly as nice as caramel macchiato (which has become even more special to you).

Tobin waits for Alex to fall asleep. It surprises you that she doesn’t ask for a bedtime story or something ridiculous like that.

You already knew this, but Tobin’s a funny person. Tobin is a girl who firmly believes in chasing love no matter the circumstances, and since you seem interested in Ashlyn, she’s taking you to her. You are such a lucky person, you better be grateful.

Tobin gives you guidelines on what not to do, and they don’t seem too hard. She says that Ashlyn is really lenient and easy to talk to, but she  _ cannot stand _ people who pretend to know things relating to skating or surfing. You couldn’t even try to pretend, so this is no problem for you. She says to not be awkward, which is a general turnoff for “people like her.” You’re quiet, that’s all, not necessarily awkward. You got this.

You find out here that the store is not called "the Skurf." It's actually the Skate-Surf Syndrome. Skurf is just stupid.

When you walk in, you’re greeted by an extremely tall woman from the counter. She looks like she could beat you up in an instant if she wanted to. You hope she doesn’t.

Speaking of “hope,” Tobin tells you that’s her name. Hope. You usually associated names like that with preppy white girls who play recreational soccer or tennis and listen to rap music and try to deny their whiteness. Either that, or they’re usually raised in religious families and are affiliated with Graces, Faiths, Destinys (not Destinies!), Libertys, Constances, Puritys, and all those other virtue names. This Hope did not look religious or like a preppy white girl, she looked like she was about to punch you in the face.

Kind of hot.

“She’s straight,” Tobin whispers in your ear. Fine with you, you’re here for one person.

“Who’s your friend?” the girl asks. Hope leaves her post at the counter to come to you two. You eye racks of skateboard… stuff. A lot of wheels and stickers, even some decks. This place is unbelievably colorful and warm. Not the temperature kind, the feeling kind.

Tobin looks at you then back at Hope. “Oh, this is Ali,” Tobin introduces you. You stick your hand out for her to shake.

Hope extends her hand to meet yours, giving it a hearty shake. “Well, hello, Ali. Do you skate or surf at all?”

“Or skurf?” Tobin inquires. As defined by Urban Dictionary (very reliable source to you. You cannot keep up with the times), skurfing is “a combination of the words ‘ski’ and ‘surf.’ It is the act of riding a skateboard (or similar mode of transportation) while being pulled or pushed by another transportation mechanism.”

You tell them you don’t and you feel kind of ashamed about it. At least you aren’t pretending that you do. In truth, you’ve always been afraid of falling off the board and cracking your skull open. Tobin isn’t surprised and Hope doesn’t look too disappointed either.

Tobin and Hope converse while you check out the shop. Just as it turns out, they have nice socks and flannels, and other clothes which you probably shouldn’t wear considering the fact that you don’t skate or surf (or skurf!).

You wait a while. Not long enough for you to get bored, but long enough for you to have looked through everything in the store. Tobin checks her watch and sees just how much time has passed, or at least, she’s acting like it. She pulls you into the back of the store, gripping onto your arm tightly.

“Damn, Heath, do you do that to Alex?” you hear the voice of an angel tease Tobin. You know just who it is, but you stay calm. The last thing you need is to freak anyone, let alone Ashlyn, out.

Tobin fake laughs. “Funny, Ashlyn. And for the record, sometimes.” Yikes.

Ashlyn knows who you are. You love that she knows. She says your name with some hesitation, and you try not to look at her like she just made your whole life. Considering your life is relatively boring, that could be quite a highlight. A stranger said your name and you’re happy.

Tobin mentions that you don’t skate and have never skated before, or surfed, or done anything. You hear their banter (you’re the topic) for a solid three minutes and you try to block out Tobin’s voice. It’s not that it’s a bad voice, it is just that Ashlyn’s voice deserves to take up all the silence in the world. There are some people out there who will never hear Ashlyn’s voice for their whole existence and your heart goes out to those poor souls.

“Why don’t we teach Ali here to skate?” Ashlyn suggests. The last thing you want to do is get on that wooden deathtrap. Yet, you don’t get to choose the experiences that come with love, or in this case, like. You don’t know if you’re going to get a single moment like this again, and you are done with regretting not doing things. Besides, Tobin would probably pay your hospital bill if you do crack your head open.

Minutes later, you’re out in the back, watching Tobin and Ashlyn skate away. The back is an entire room that reminds you of a warehouse. In fact, this is probably where the warehouse of the store was at one point, but now it’s converted into an indoor skatepark. It must feel nice to have this just to themselves.

The wood looks new, but you assume that Ashlyn has been skating here for years. There are rails everywhere, unguarded and truly meant for skaters to grind on. No fake leaves made out of metal placed strategically along the rail so they couldn’t enjoy them. No “no skateboarding” signs. These perfect ramps and rails and halfpipes and whatever other skateboard jargon that you don’t know are made for them.

“I’m not getting on that,” you tell Tobin as she passes you, Ashlyn far away. She slides to a halt, picking up her board and looking at you.

“Then you’re not getting on  _ that, _ because I know she likes when people go out of their comfort zones,” Tobin mentions, pointing at Ashlyn. She’s on her board, which is on one of those rails. You wonder how anyone has the balance.

You groan at Tobin, grabbing the board from her. She cheers and calls Ashlyn over. “Ready for your first lesson, squirt?” she asks. You grimace at the nickname.

“Where’d you get that from?” you ask, feigning annoyance. Well, to be honest, you are somewhat annoyed because squirt is a horrible nickname.

“You’re just short.” Your eyes barely have to move to look at her, but they still do have to shift up. She has a point. “Well? Ready?”

You nod in excitement, although there is a giant knot in your throat and a fake smile across your face. So, you basically nod in complete, total anxiety. You feel like you are about to puke, but you don’t, because that would absolutely piss off Ashlyn.

You place the board carefully on the ground and you can feel Ashlyn looking at you. Tobin’s sitting on the top of a ramp just watching you guys, beaming.

“Do I, like, stand on it?” you ask, mentally slapping yourself because  _ of course you do. _

“No, no. You sit on it and let people push you,” she explains sarcastically. You roll your eyes. “Alright, get on the board.”

You do it because Tobin ultimately told you to not be a pussy. You don’t move a single muscle, it would only disrupt your balance. Ashlyn gives you a few seconds before pulling you off the board somehow. She’s strong, not that you’re fat. You definitely aren’t. She’s just strong enough to lift a grown (debatable) woman up.

“Well, I don’t know what to do,” you tell her. She’s still holding you from underneath your arms. Ashlyn laughs and pulls you back up, placing you on the skateboard and guiding you along. You’re surprised that you don’t fall off even with her helping you.

She’s grabbing at your sides lightly, telling you to where to position your feet. Ashlyn makes you really want to learn this, which is odd, because you’re only doing it for her. You’ve done a lot of uncomfortable things just for love, but this was one of the weirdest and probably the most potentially painful.

Some thirty minutes later, there’s not a scratch on you and you have this skateboarding thing down. Not really, you can just ride it. That’s good enough for you.

Ashlyn’s official shift starts and you run along with her, Tobin following promptly. You work up the courage to ask her for her number. You say that you would be happy for her to help you again (which is kind of a lie, you’d rather not get a concussion from this). She says she would love to hang out with you anytime.

She pokes fun at your “cute” Starbucks job and tells you that she’s surprised you don’t have that Starbucks hat on. You want to tell her that you only work there for her, and you basically can quit now. There’s a media company willing to hire you now anyway. You don’t tell her though, because some things were just meant to keep quiet.

Hope bursts through the door and pulls Ashlyn out, Tobin holds the door open for you as you follow. You hear Hope saying that it’s her “break” and that there are “surely customers waiting to be rung up.” There aren’t, but if she’s yelling at someone as beautiful as Ashlyn, she must  _ need _ that break.

The two of you head back to Alex and Tobin’s place. Alex is in the process of cooking multiple things at once and the entire home is filled with a beautiful scent. You take it all in.

Maybe Christmas Eve isn’t so bad. And, besides, there’s wine.

As one of your favorite novels,  _A Tale of Two Cities,_ states, "it was the best of times." And yes, you all had everything before you.


	5. presents! (more than you'd like)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas at Alex and Tobin's house.

Alex cannot stop yelling every single time someone opens a gift. Not a single gift has been opened this Christmas, but she always does that. She’s giddy like a child and it’s definitely adorable to Tobin, who now has an arm wrapped around her girl. Alex is not as adorable to you, but you can appreciate a grown woman getting excited over Christmas.

You’ve spent a couple of Christmases with Alex and Tobin. Sometimes they would have Alex’s sisters over, or Tobin’s. You still don’t get why Alex doesn’t head home. She has such a nice, loving family. Then again, you don’t know what goes on with her or her family, maybe home isn’t where she wants to be. Maybe she doesn’t need anything besides hot chocolate with Tobin, or Christmas mornings with her. That is love.

Alex skips to the Christmas tree, tossing presents in your general direction. There are kind of a lot. You stare at Tobin and Tobin’s staring at Alex, grinning hard. She motions Alex over once she’s done throwing gifts at you guys. Alex gladly takes a seat practically on Tobin.

Tobin picks up a random gift. “Alex, this is from Ali,” she says, handing the gift to her. Or maybe Alex rips it from her hands, you can’t tell. Alex shakes the container. Certain things hit the frame of the box and her face lights up.

You know what you got her. You got her Nike socks and chocolate. This might make you seem like a terrible friend, but you didn’t just get her one pair. She will never have to wash any of her socks again. She will never have to go pay money to ski down a hill because now, she will have her own personal ski hill, just made out of socks.

She opens it. She looks at you like you’re the best thing that has ever happened to her (besides Tobin, of course). You aren’t, you just got her something she enjoyed. Alex thanks you and smiles.

Alex is everything good in the world put into one human being.

She still has that innocence that people your age and above can barely remember.

But the innocence comes with unbearable impatience. She pushes her gift onto Tobin. Tobin opens it slowly, staring at her girlfriend who looked like a giddy five year old. You often associate Alex with one. Her youthfulness comes mainly from moments of happiness, almost as if happiness stopped existing after the age of seven. For you, it kind of did.

Being the nice person that she is, Alex got Tobin new longboard wheels and some other longboard things which you don’t care for. That was a one time thing, or maybe multiple time thing if Ashlyn bothers to text you to hang out again.

Chances are, she would want you to skateboard or longboard with her. The things you sacrifice for girls you’re insanely obsessed with are ridiculous; one is your sense of security and, you know, your whole life.

But you are not devoting your whole life to her, not necessarily at least.

Anyway, Tobin seems to read your mind. She got you an entire longboard. You’re not sure how you didn’t notice her all this time (you’ve been with her for 99% of her gift buying), but it looks like, perhaps, you might have a new mode of transportation.

Alex gets you a new sweatshirt. She cheekily says that you deserve one since you wear the same one every single day. You make a mental note to spill coffee on her someday soon.

Alex gives you a huge, huge hug. Tobin is almost jealous. She’s a good hugger, at least. It’s the kind of hug that makes you wonder how someone can be filled with that much love for people.

Tobin is the only person left with a present to open, and it’s from you. You love seeing people’s reactions to gifts or just anything. You thrive off it, mostly because your life is boring otherwise.

She unwraps the present, which is just a large, crisply wrapped box. The thing with Tobin is that she never really  _ looks _ excited, not unless she’s seeing Alex, anyway. And you can’t blame her. Her mouth just hangs open like she’s in shock, or sometimes, she’ll have this large grin like she’s showing off her teeth.

She kind of has both once the secret is out.

You got her all the  _ Harry Potter _ books and movies,  _ and  _ you got her a Hufflepuff robe. You are basically God, but you don’t say that because Tobin would call blasphemous heresy on you, then it’d be very counterproductive and you’d be stuck in the snow all alone.

But she loves it. Tobin holds onto you because she appreciates it and you, and even though you don’t know it, she is one of the people who appreciate you the most in life.

She smells kind of like Old Spice, which is pretty cool. It isn’t overwhelming, just a small puff, and then it’s gone. You’re used to it by now.

“Alright, Krieger, that’s enough,” Alex says, her eyes glued onto this hug, “I mean, I kind of ship it.”

“ _ Alex, _ what the hell? _ ” _ you blurt, but you realize she got what she wanted once Tobin crawls back onto her. Their hug looks so horribly comfortable that you feel incredibly alone.

So, you jump into the hug. You have always been fond of group hugs.

The best of times, huh? They really are.

You’re there and it’s the time of your life. It’s almost like you’ve forgotten all about your past and the present is the only thing that matters; even Ashlyn doesn’t matter.

Your past has not forgotten you.

You hear the little ding your phone makes when you receive a text. Being as happy as you are, you pull your phone out. You expect it’ll be someone you want to talk to, like Ashlyn or something. It isn’t.

It’s Kyle Krieger.

His contact name is just Kyle Krieger. You don’t have any emojis next to his name, there’s no cute nickname that goes with those horrifically small images. You treat him as you would an acquaintance. You know you’re cold, but what else does anyone want you to do? Are you expected to treat him like he’s still your best friend?

You’re fighting a fire that was put out a long time ago. No one expects you to do anything, only you do, because you know you’re cold. For what it’s worth, he kind of deserves it.

Even if he’s struggling in his own ways, you still blame him. It’s impossible to know how to feel. At one end, you know that he can’t help the way his life is going. At the other, you know that it started as his fault.

He’s still as friendly to you as he always has been.

_ “Hey Ali! I hope your Christmas is going well! Don’t know if you’re still at home, but if you are, tell mom and dad I said hi :)” _ the text reads.

You stare at your phone. Your eyes burn at the combination of him not knowing just how your life is going and his name popping up on your screen. What gave him the right?

“Yo, Kriegs, you alright?” Tobin asks you.

“Yeah, I’m just… shocked?” you answer, the word to describe how you feel not coming to you. They both look at you like they’re concerned; they have no clue what you’re talking about. “My brother texted me.”

“I didn’t even know you had a brother,” Alex comments.

You’re sure you’ve mentioned it somewhere to her. It isn’t relevant whether or not she remembers, just that she cares about everything else. Alex can be quite forgetful.

Somehow, Tobin puts up with it. Hey, you can’t deny that Alex is hot. And you’re sure Tobin has her own reasons, but anniversaries must be bad for them. Or maybe you’re just not important. For your friend’s sake, you hope it’s the latter.

You tell Alex all about him. You say that you have no clue just who he is anymore, but you tell her everything you used to know. Like that he used to be such a perfectionist on school projects when you two were younger. He’s your older brother, so he’s always been protective. You two would be together at any given time.

Then, you weren’t.

Then he got into things he shouldn’t have.

Then he wasn’t your older brother anymore. You almost started to doubt he ever existed. You had such a perfect family up until then.

Tobin looks at you, and Alex, for the first time all day, is quiet. Tobin apologizes for everything you’ve been through. You tell her that it isn’t her fault. Alex looks more shocked than you.

It doesn’t seem like she planned to talk to you, so you look back at your phone. You open Messages. You tap to start typing, and you shoot him a text back.

You tell him you miss him, which is the truth. You tell him that you hope he cleans up, also the truth. You tell him he should swing by, which isn’t completely the truth. For the most part, you want him to swing by.

And you wait.

You check your emails, texts, all that. Job offers in your emails, Ashlyn’s text that you are too afraid to deal with. Not of her, just of anyone. Alex’s cute Christmas Instagram post with Tobin and all her old friends from wherever commenting on it.

Kyle replies.

He tells you that someday, he will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it gets more interesting after this i swear


	6. it's called being a friend (only that)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali reflects on the past few months and her friendship with Ashlyn, as usual. Tobin does things for Alex. Like, big things.

Tobin has always been exact in everything she does for Alex. It was the one thing that she actually planned. When she made Alex breakfast, she would have this grand scheme of what she would make, when she would wake Alex up, and whatever else came into planning.

Alex claims that Tobin  _ was _ the literal fairy tale romance she has always dreamed about.

Their high school days seemed beautiful. In all the old pictures, you noticed one thing: they were always happy. Alex would be beaming and so would Tobin. You can’t imagine how out they were to everyone, but Tobin was apparently the ballsiest of the ballsy and would make sure that everyone knew that she was neither afraid nor ashamed of loving Alex Morgan.

Tobin looked like a total geek back then. For the most part, she looked exactly the same, but those braces threw you off. Alex Morgan, popular girl, got with Tobin Heath, some random girl with braces. Then again, you are the most single person to come onto this planet; you’re in no place to judge.

But seriously? Alex could have anyone she wanted. Tobin was apparently what she was looking for… but, like, Tobin’s shorter than Alex! On top of the braces, Tobin was shorter than Alex and she probably played tennis or something.

Tobin seems like one of those people who were adorable and cute in high school, but once they got out, they ended up being really hot. Alex has been somewhere in the middle of hot and cute since high school, as you can tell from the pictures.

Alex always says that Tobin was very shy around Alex’s friends at first. Coming from two different social spheres, it only made sense. Especially back when they were in high school, Tobin had to be somewhat afraid of everything at first.

You were too.

Tobin was awkward and only really ever showed affection when she was alone with Alex. She didn’t want backlash.

Then, one day, something went off in her. She woke up, said, “fuck it,” and from that day forward, she would kiss Alex’s forehead in the halls before they would separate to go to their classes. She would love unapologetically, and it would be such a routine.

Both were characters, to say the least. Tobin played Quidditch (like, the Harry Potter sport), ran the Harry Potter club at their school, was heavily involved with the Christian Club, and, with Alex, helped found the GSA at their school. You don’t know what school just didn’t automatically have one, but you are glad they did it.

Alex was just as weird as Tobin in her own ways. To start off, she dyed her hair blonde in freshman year. Okay. She was invested in politics and all that stuff that you don’t have the time for. She also probably made Tobin literally nut herself every time she saw her, at least you like to imagine that because that would be hilarious.

She was apparently the exact same as she is now. A lot of running. She did track in the spring and cross country in the fall. Strong Nike advocate. Voted Homecoming Royalty freshman through junior year, then managed to keep her name high enough to win Homecoming Queen. As for you, high school was pretty much the opposite. You weren’t quite a Tobin, you were just an outcast.

No one stops in the middle of their day and wonders, “Hey, what happened to Ali Krieger after high school?” You don’t have the legacy of anything. You’re the person who people pass by in the yearbooks.

You actively participated in certain stuff, but you avoided anything that made you seem too different. You just couldn’t accept anything about yourself back then, but things were fine with your family.

Your parents got you a car, remember?

Alex has the legacy of being, well, Alex Morgan. Tobin has the legacy of being one of those outspoken girls. They share the cute high school sweetheart legacy together, and they’ll live on.

Tobin is ensuring it now.

In all the stories you’ve heard and from what you’ve seen, Tobin has been content with Alex being her happiest. She’s always wanted her to be completely satisfied with everything. She makes sure everything is how Alex wants.

This especially applies to engagement rings.

She takes you along to some place because somehow, you are able to have an opinion on this. Tobin is just about as excited as Alex was on Christmas. It makes you even happier.

She has apparently been doing this since the two of you talked about it in the past year and you are beyond shocked that she has not found the right one yet. She has not proposed and you are  _ waiting _ for that.

Tobin knows what she’s doing. You’re just following her around because she thought you would be helpful, and so far, her thoughts have been proven wrong. Tobin knows Alex inside and out.

“Why’d you even take me?” you ask her after convincing her to take a break from her frantic attempts from making everything perfect. You take her to the nearest Starbucks, sit her down, and order yourselves a nice caramel macchiato.

“Well, maybe you could help me decide what’s really perfect since you’re her best friend,” Tobin says. Best friend?

You ask exactly that. “Best friend?”

“Yeah! Dude, she loves you. I consider you as one of mine too.” You’ll believe it when you see it. Knowing Alex, that’s years away.

It’s just weird to you. You consider them good friends, and since they’re your only friends, they’re automatically your best friends. However, they’re sociable people and have a multitude of friends, but they think you’re one of their best friends. Weird.

“Wow. Thanks, I guess? I don’t know. That’s just weird to me.” Tobin looks amused that you are struggling to believe this. “Anyway, I told you how I slept at Ashlyn’s that one time, right?”

“No, you said you went to drink wine at her place. Yo, girl, you go! Not that I condone premarital sex, of course,” Tobin jokes.

Your eyes flash wide. “No, no, no, not like that. I mean, I  _ wish,  _ but no, it was just… something to mention.” You stare down at the table you’re sitting at. It’s uniform to the other tables. There are millions, maybe even billions, of those tables around the world. There are also millions, billions of other girls that Ashlyn could be interested in.

Tobin laughs. You ask her if you can just go back to ring shopping. Avoiding the topic of Ashlyn right now would be extremely ideal.

So you do.

The saleslady thinks that  _ you _ and Tobin are dating. Both of you are quick to shut it down because that is just awkward. She then thinks you both are straight. Tobin shuts that preposterous statement down quicker than the first.

The lady has short, fiery hair and she kind of looks like she’s anxious at any given time. Tobin glances at you and she looks like she’s about to explode.

But hey, the lady knows everything. She ensures that Alex will be satisfied with her perfect engagement ring and you can confirm that.

Tobin makes you leave because she wants it to be a total surprise to even you, despite the fact that you already know most of what it is.

You head outside and wait for her. When she comes back, she looks a bit too happy. It nearly freaks you out. Upon returning to Tobin’s house, the two of you realize that Alex can’t stay still, but it works to Tobin’s benefit.

Alex left a note on their counter. Apparently, she went running. Neither of you are surprised. After Tobin stashes the ring somewhere, the two of you crash onto their couch.

“How am I even going to propose to her?” she asks. Not to you, just in general.

You answer her anyway, “You could do the traditional way. Get on one knee, take her hand.” You remind her that Alex is a hopeless romantic who is fond of cute things like that.

“Do I ask her parents for their blessing? Man, they live so far away,” Tobin complains. They grew up in, like, Southern California or New Jersey or somewhere not around here. Of course, that does pose a problem for Tobin, who is good friends with Alex’s family.

“It sure is far away, isn’t it Tobin?” she nods. You raise your eyebrows. “Come on, you believe in traditional-ish marriage. As traditional as two girls getting married can get, at least.”

Tobin groans and kicks her feet up on the table. “I hate leaving Alex.”

“She’s a fully grown adult.”

“That’s what I thought too. Then I became more mature than her and now I have to fix breakfast for her.”

“I thought you liked doing that.”

“I do like it. I just couldn’t come up with a reason for not liking her being less mature than me.”

You get up and find the note again. You take it back with you when you sit down next to Tobin, shoving it in her face. You’re making sure that she sees that there is a heart right next to her name and next to Tobin’s, which means she loves Tobin. Tobin loves Alex. She deserves Tobin going out of her way to go back to Southern California and ask her future in-laws for their blessing.

Tobin looks so ashamed in herself for thinking that she didn’t have to. It only takes a two hour flight, maybe twenty minute drive after that, and a deep breath to ask them. You offer to buy the flight ticket, but she declines. Maybe she knows you don’t have the money and don’t really want to buy it.

Alex comes in minutes later, sweaty as can be. She looks like she could be sponsored by Nike. She’s clad in solely Nike apparel as if it’s against the law to wear anything else. You see it now: Alex Morgan, top athlete, gold medalist for whatever running event is in the Olympics, and LGBT icon. 

You catch Alex’s lover smiling at her, her body twisted so she can see what she’s doing. It’s a subtle smile; you wonder if Alex ever notices these small things. Alex places her keys on the counter lightly to avoid the noise.

Tobin pushes herself up. The dialogue you hear between them is unreal:

“How was your run?” Tobin asks.

“It was great, I feel great,” Alex answers. Tobin stays silent. “We should go running together.”

“We should do a lot of things together.”  _ Jesus Christ, Tobin, _ you think.

Alex takes this suggestively. She acts like you aren’t even there. Either that, or she doesn’t care and could probably do a lot of things to Tobin right in front of you. “Oh? Like what?”

The difference between Alex and Tobin is that Alex seemingly has a never-ending supply of confidence and subtlety. Tobin on the other hand? She has nothing more often than not. “Like, um, spend an entire life together?”

You smack your forehead. Alex raises an eyebrow. “That’s  _ really _ kinky,” you sarcastically say, generating the laughter of both of them.

Alex tugs Tobin in by the shirt for a hug, who pulls away quickly. “Ew, you just went on a run!” Tobin exclaims, “At least shower first.”

The other girl whispers something in Tobin’s ear. From her facial expressions after, you can just imagine that they’re going to need some alone time.

So you leave. You head back to your apartment because you can’t think of anyone else to bother today. Tobin’s progressing rather well.

As for you, you have to keep reminding yourself that you two are not dating. You and Ashlyn are not in a relationship, she is not interested in you, and you need to calm down. She was nice to you once. Maybe twice.  Perhaps it will happen someday, but with the way you’re acting, taking apart little moments and making them bigger than they are, you’re getting nowhere.


	7. at least someone's happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a night! For Alex and Tobin, at least. Ali? She gets unrequited love.

Asking Alex’s parents for their blessing was apparently “no sweat.” At least, that’s what Tobin tells you while she’s setting up for the party. You’re not quite sure you can really trust Tobin, as awkward as she was when confronted by Alex last week. There’s no special occasion other than the fact that a bunch of people from Alex and Tobin’s past are coming up to visit.

By a bunch, you really mean, at most, six. Not to sound antisocial, but that’s still more than you’d like. You’re going to get drunk around them and they’re going to get drunk around you, so you better feel somewhat comfortable around them soon,

Their house is filled with anxiety; Tobin wants everything to be perfect. The silver lining to Tobin acting like a freak and cleaning corners of their house that not even insects touch is that this may be the first time you have seen them be domestic. They’re cleaning their own house and _that_ makes you happy.

It isn’t even cloudy. Considering your geographical location and it being spring, you would expect the clouds to shield the sun, keeping it out of harm’s way. Or maybe they shield _you_ from the sun. You have very sensitive eyes.

Today, unlike any other day, the sun is out and you feel pretty good considering the events that are tormenting your life. Tobin is cleaning every inch of her house while you have your feet firmly placed on their coffee table. Today, unlike any other day, is not a bad one.

Not yet, at least. You hope not ever.

You wonder who Alex and Tobin were friends with back then, back in their glory days. Alex must have hung out with exceptionally pretty girls, and from what you’ve seen, she did. They must have gone to parties every weekend and went to the beach and did all the stereotypical teenager stuff. Alex must have lived a wonderful life.

You imagine that Tobin stayed in a lot. A small, brace-face, reading glasses clad Tobin pops into your mind. The thought is enough to make a smile appear on your face. Getting past the idea that Tobin got with Alex (or within five feet of her) is still nearly impossible, but things clearly worked out for her.

You’re just in the background of their love story. You know that. You’re a supporting figure and you’re kind of the reason Tobin is even planning to propose to Alex. But that doesn’t satisfy you, because it is not you being proposed to.

Not that you want _her_ to propose to _you,_ because then who would Alex have? You would kill to have someone love you like Tobin loves Alex. You’ve said it multiple times and it still holds true.

Your thought is disrupted when you hear the doorbell. Tobin races over to get it, nearly stumbling in the kitchen. She opens the door.

A voice comes into the scene. It’s Ashlyn’s soft, yet still sharp voice. Then there’s a voice you can’t identify.

You turn around, then get startled due to the fact that Ashlyn Harris has a girl on her beautifully tattooed arm and that girl is not you.

Today has already dropped from one hundred down to somewhere in the negatives. You aren’t sure just how far down.

“Hey, Ali!” Ashlyn calls out, “I want you to meet someone.”

“Just a minute,” you say. This might take you an eternity. No one ever _wants_ to see who the person they’re interested in is dating. You surely don’t.

Who does this other girl think she is, being prettier than you and whatnot? That’s not allowed and you don’t appreciate it at all. Zero out of ten, you definitely do not recommend this.

Eventually, you walk over to her because you’re such a sucker for Ashlyn and you kind of want to die after seeing this girl touch Ashlyn, but that’s okay! You have to talk to her. Completely fine.

It isn’t fine. This girl is actually extremely pretty.

“Yo, Ali, meet Carli,” Tobin says, placing her arm on your shoulder and pulling you closer. She’s acting awkward, like she doesn’t like this “Carli” girl either. Either that, or she just feels bad for you. “She’s pretty chill so far.”

“I mean, you’ve known her for a solid five minutes, I don’t know what else she could be,” you point out passively because it’s completely true.

Ashlyn laughs and agrees with you. You avoid her gaze because you might just burst into tears if you do. You don’t want to fall to your knees and beg her just yet.

The four of you head to the living room, which is where your conversations dwindle down awkwardly. Then, Alex appears out of nowhere, as if Tobin casted a spell and _poof,_ there she was.

“Alex!” Tobin yells, jumping off the couch and nearly tackling the poor girl.

Alex was in their room for thirty minutes. That’s all. Tobin’s yelling like she hasn’t seen her in weeks. She’s normally excited to see Alex, but not half as much as she is now.

“Tobes!” Alex excitedly yells back, wrapping her arms around Tobin’s waist. You watch as Alex nuzzles herself into Tobin’s neck.

The only thing that stops them from potentially being welded together is the door being knocked, then some grumbles, then the doorbell ringing. Alex skips over there and answers it herself this time.

Another Alex Morgan shriek, and a whole lot of unfamiliar faces.

“Tobin, look who came to visit!” Alex exclaims as if it were Christmas.

You eye a girl with short, bleach blonde hair. She’s around the same height as Alex. Behind her stands a considerably short girl, but wide eyes and a childish grin. She doesn’t even look your age and she probably isn’t.

“Holy -- Mal? I knew Pinoe was showing up, but you too?” Tobin asks in disbelief, running over to hug the shorter girl, “I’m pretty sure school’s still in session, so what are you doing up here?”

“Pinoe took me, and it’s spring break, so I was just kind of like, ‘sure, why not?’ And then she actually did,” Mal explains. This Pinoe nods.

“So, you and Alex Gump here are still a thing,” Pinoe mentions, smirking at Alex. Alex Gump? Where’d that come from? “I still thought you two wouldn’t have made it past homecoming.”

She’s dead wrong. You don’t think Tobin’s really said anything to anyone besides you and her family (and obviously Alex’s) about her future proposal. You’re waiting for that, mostly for Alex’s reaction.

The real fun comes when there’s a large bang on the door and a muffled “ _Alex!”_ and then more giant knocks, you believe whoever they are might end up breaking down the door.

You hear an obvious groan from Tobin. Of course, you don’t know who these people are. Whoever they are, they’re the reason why there will most likely be a noise complaint in the next five minutes.

Then, Alex actually opens the door and is immediately jumped on by someone. She has freckles and really nice teeth. She must have been Alex’s sidekick back in high school from the way they’re treating each other. Alex forces her down and gently scolds her.

“Hey, we haven’t seen each other in so long and the first thing you’re going to do is tell me to get down?” the girl asks. You’re worried that she might break something important around here with her energy. Maybe a salt shaker.

“Kelley, I don’t need you breaking any of my bones so soon,” Alex says. This girl can’t stop smiling. You smile at it because _everything_ in your life is going wrong, so you don’t have a choice but to take in one little ray of sunshine. From your brother reentering your life ever so slightly to Ashlyn having some girl who you don’t even know, things are falling apart as quickly as they came together.

Or maybe they never did.

After Kelley’s entrance, Tobin and Alex’s old friends started trickling in. There’s a guy named Dom who comes in with a pregnant lady named Sydney (at least you’ll have someone to talk to while everyone else ruins their liver). Names reveal themselves when Alex or Tobin yell them.

_“Did you hear that Steph and Draymond got into the NBA?”_

_“Serv couldn’t make it. He’s visiting some family somewhere.”_

_“Alex, no one has beaten, like, any of your track records. What’s his name is going to the Olympics, though… Clint? Yeah, Clint.”_

They’re all names you do not know and you cannot pretend to know. You wonder how significant they were to Tobin and Alex’s relationship, if at all. You could imagine that there was some egging going on. You wonder about how they affected them on a day-to-day basis; what were their dynamics? But no matter how hard you try, you will never know just how they interacted or how Tobin and Alex were affected by these strangers.

They have stories behind them, all of them. Even you have a story, although if you’re going to be honest, it isn’t as interesting as most would assume. You’re like a really sad film with no plot, just things to make people cry over. Tragic backstory, no substance.

But everyone else seems happy, and that distracts you enough.

You’re making quite good friends with Sydney and Mal.

Tobin enforces some weird rule that no one can get drunk until eight o’clock. This doesn’t stop Pinoe from _lightly_ drinking and being exceptionally loud. Mal shakes her head a lot.

Apparently, Sydney is seven months pregnant and she’s having a girl. She says that Dom _wanted_ a boy, obviously. You feel too much like an adult, so you wrap up that conversation as quickly as possible and talk to Mal, who is not pregnant.

She’s seventeen.

If Tobin and Alex have been together for seven years and Tobin has presumably known Mal longer, then Tobin hung out with a ten year old.

Tobin Heath hung out with a ten year old and a certain, interesting character who goes by Pinoe. You can’t even fathom it.

Mal is surprisingly humble and nice. She does track, soccer, and cross country. Apparently, she recently got accepted into a lot of big name colleges, like Duke, UCLA, and all those other ones that you did not go to. UCLA is too close to where she lives, Duke is too far. Why she applied to them in the first place, you don’t get. You suggest somewhere around here, since she at least applied for somewhere in the state.

Maybe.

When you were seventeen, you were far different from her. She’s the person who you want your future kids to become.

Your thoughts are distracted when Ashlyn offers you a drink. The cold Coke can grazes your skin, the dew taking some of your warmth. She has a stupid smirk on her face, so you’re forced to take it and not make any conversation.

But you know you can’t blame her. She’s only doing what she does. She doesn’t know how you feel. But still, if it were any different, it might still be the same.

You eye Tobin trying to talk to Alex, fumbling with something in her pocket.  She’s struggling to engage in conversation with her. Alex is so easily distracted and wants to catch up with everybody. It’s not hard to see Tobin’s frustration in getting her attention, or try not to be so awkward.

Then, you realize what she’s doing.

 _Jesus Christ, Tobin,_ you think, _I swear,_ _if you fuck this up…_

She won’t. She doesn’t.

“Alex,” Tobin says, pulling her slightly away from everyone. There’s a circle formed around them now. Alex thinks this is just a casual thing.

“Yes, Tobes? Did you need something?” Alex asks. Their fingers try to find some nice position, but they’re fighting each other. It’s actually kind of cute. Tobin finally intertwines their fingers.

The room goes silent. The whole world, for just this moment, is silent. All eyes on Tobin.

“U-Uh… Yeah.” Alex smiles at her. Tobin hesitantly pulls something out of her pocket: it’s the engagement ring and you know it.

As she’s pulling the container out, she’s getting on one knee. One hand still holding Alex’s. A gasp comes from Kelley.

“Tobin,” you hear Alex whisper.

“Alexandra Patricia Morgan, I am fully convinced that I have been in love with you since the day we met. I have been blessed to know you and receive your love. Everyday I spend with you is a blessing within itself and I love you so, so much,” Tobin says, her voice unwavering, the ring now presented, “We have spent around seven years together. Now, I want to officially spend the rest of my life with you. Alex, will you ma --”

Alex nods rapidly and cuts her off, “God, _yes_.” It’s almost like she’s about to cry. Tobin jumps back up, puts the ring on Alex’s finger, and swoops her in for a kiss. This is all one fluid motion.

Tobin pumps her fist in the air once, presumably from this victory, while kissing Alex. The two pull away from each other, Alex teary-eyed and Tobin completely dazed. They pull each other in for a hug, wrapped up snug and tight and you can feel excitement radiate off both of them.

“I love you, Alex.”

“I love you more, Tobes,” Alex promises, “I’m always going to.”

Tobin’s face looks like she thinks that’s impossible. The first part, that is. But she doesn’t respond. Love is so quiet that she’s loud. Love just knows.

No one dares to make some sarcastic joke to ruin this moment. You’re sure pictures are being taken.

Then, you realize it. Tobin proposed to Alex.

This will be a beautiful story someday. In fact, it already is.

Alex can’t stop staring at her ring. She can’t stop smiling either. It’s refreshing to see that.

You wonder if your future will contain a fraction of the beauty that Tobin and Alex’s will. The biggest difference between you and them is that they know what they’re doing and they know they’re going to get married, have a couple of kids -- the only thing they’re unsure about is how many dogs they’ll get.

You look at Ashlyn and the girl curled up on her, and it doesn’t matter half as much. Your best friends are getting married, and that is enough for you.

“As beautiful as that was, can we get the drinks now?” Pinoe asks. Kelley raises her hand for a high five, Pinoe slaps her hand.

You watch from a distance. You communicate with the people who aren’t supposed to drink and you instantly feel like a loser. You know what you are, but you don’t _want_ to be that way, so your inner high school/college self comes out again.

By the time Tobin gets drunk enough with Alex (and you’re sure they’ve snuck away somewhere), Mal is irresponsibly drinking. Sydney knows better not to.

You talk to her, you have a few drinks, and you watch everyone lose control.

You slip away from the party sometime later. Their antics were too much for you. Maybe a few years ago, you would have been able to handle unrequited love better. Maybe you would have gotten drunk enough to tell her, because back then, people were temporary. Life was temporary and you really didn’t have anything to regret. People still are temporary and you’re going to die someday, but you’re basically stuck with these people forever. You can’t just choose to sit at a different lunch table. This is a bigger world, but the pool of people you want in your life seems to just get smaller and smaller.

So, point is, you just can’t do things like that while you’re drunk because, well, you just shouldn’t anymore. She’s still going to stop by your Starbucks every time she needs a drink.

You drive home, though all the health classes and your driver’s education courses are shouting at you for your irresponsibility. The road is quiet and for whatever reason, it starts raining. That damn pitter-patter drums into your mind. They resemble your tears, sliding off the windshield as if they were your cheek. You don’t cry as often as you used to, but the clouds give you a sign that they feel the same way as you do.

Something bad must have happened here today. Even the sky is heartbroken.


	8. it was the worst of times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It can't stay okay forever. Ali just thought that was as bad as it would get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the grammatical errors and weird line breaks. I hope it does not disrupt anyone's reading to an extent.

Tobin texts you in three situations: _1._ when she wonders if you got home safely, _2._ for daily purposes, like to talk about Ashlyn, and _3._ when she doesn’t know what to do with Alex. Today’s your lucky day; you get all three.

Your life is bound in late nights and hangovers. As if sleeping late (or never sleeping) didn’t give you a bad enough headache, hangovers added quite a bit more. Lately, you’ve been a mess, especially after the entire Ashlyn thing.

Even to read her name hurts the deepest parts of you. Your chest aches. Your teeth involuntarily clench. Your knuckles turn white and a wide, deep U-shaped indents get engraved into your hand from your nails.

She is the one girl that might have, but she didn’t.

You’ve been occupying yourself with alcohol, work, and working out. No matter what combination you do, none of those compliment each other; none of them _should_. They’re unhealthy, but what can you do?

Tobin supposes you can head to their place because her _poor, poor_ princess is ill and she needs your help. Ever since the engagement, Tobin’s been extra cautious of Alex. It’s gross how in love they are.

Because you’re a _great_ friend, you head over as quickly as possible, alcohol still probably in your system. Your head pounds and every little indent or bump in the street either feels like you’re falling off a cliff and you’ve just been decapitated _or_ going over never-ending speed bumps.

When do you get the time to even go to their house? Do any of them even go to work? How are you guys not fired from your job? Surviving adulthood is not your expertise.

Tobin’s issue? Alex is sick. As far as you can tell, it isn’t even that _bad._

Here’s the exact order of everything relating to Alex’s illness, in a very bland way of saying it:

You arrive. Alex is on the couch, watching _Forrest Gump._ She only gives half of her attention to it, since she’s dying on the couch or something.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you watched _Harry Potter,_ you know,” Tobin jokes. Alex throws a crumpled, used tissue at her.

Alex has a giant box of tissues on the table. There’s a blanket on her, a green plaid one. She looks surprisingly pale, because even in the lack of sun, she manages to stay tan. Not as tan as Tobin, but still tan.

There’s even an icepack on her head.

“Tobs, I love you so much, could you make me some soup?” Alex asks, her usually sharp blue eyes dulled and paled extremely.

Tobin sighs. You smirk. “I can’t make soup,” Tobin tells her, sitting down right by her. You take a seat by their kitchen on a metal stool, rocking back and forth.

“Toby, I _know_ you can. You’ve literally done it before!” Alex yells, being reduced to a cracked voice by the middle of it.

More coughs.

Tobin purses her lips and stares at Alex. “Lex, it would be so much better for your voice if you stopped talking,” Tobin says. This generates nothing more than a light punch from Alex which is more of a wild swing of the arm, a poor one at that.

“Ooh, you know who’s really good at making soup?”  _Alex, don’t you dare._ “Ashlyn!” Your life just sucks.

“Well, well, well, looks like we’re just going to have to get her over here.” You’re hoping she has work. “She’s off today.” Your life continues to suck.

Maybe she won’t come.

Thankfully for you, she doesn’t. Technically. Not immediately, anyway. You don’t even want to know what she’s doing or who she’s with, but Tobin doesn’t mention it. She really sympathizes you.

One person who could have made you so happy _didn’t._ Now? Now, she’s coming over to make your sick friend soup.

Alex complains that her toes are numb. You can’t decide if it’s because she’s cold or if her toes really are numb for some peculiar reason. Or if she’s just complaining.

You decide to enjoy the time you have here before Ashlyn shows up. You consider leaving, but Alex would hate you.

Alex finishes _Forrest Gump,_ so you and Tobin get stuck actually taking care of her. How many times does Tobin check her temperature only to find out that it’s relatively normal? You lose count after ten.

That thermometer has been inside Alex’s mouth so many times that it could be renamed “Tobin’s tongue.”

Ew.

“Hey, Tobin, remember in high school how I used to be some great track star?” Alex asks as you help her up from the couch. Her legs seem like poorly glued popsicle sticks, kind of like a mediocre seventh grade science fair project. “I even got a scholarship for it.”

Tobin chuckles at the memories that you _still_ have no clue about. “Don’t forget cross country. I came to your boring meets.”

Alex cuts her off gently. “Hey, if you didn’t go to my ‘boring’ meets, we wouldn’t be engaged right now.”

“You’re right,” Tobin agrees, but only momentarily, “we probably would be engaged by tomorrow.”

You could use them as dip for your chips from their horrible cheesiness.

You help Alex sit on a stool by the counter. Even then, she looks like she’s having trouble just staying there.

“Alex, do you want to go back on the couch?” you ask her. You aren’t completely rude.

She refuses to. Instead of going to a more comfortable position on the couch, she leans over and prays that the counter will help her. It does.

Alex just gets weaker by the second.

Tobin realizes that Alex’s body strength isn’t enough to keep her up, so she pleads Alex to come sit back on the couch. Alex, being as whipped as she is, does just that. With your help, of course.

You blame it on the lack of food, although it concerns you that a mild hunger can affect her this much.

And best of all, it’s raining.

No, best (worst?) of all, Ashlyn comes over.

If ignorance is bliss, pretending that you are ignorant ofAshlyn is so much more blissful. You feel a rush of adrenaline and realize that this may be the “baddest” thing you have done since college. But still, there is no point to ignoring someone if they are just going to ignore you ignoring them.

And besides, she’s only ignoring you because of her _annoyingly attractive_ girlfriend.

You are always a spectator. You are on the outside of everyone. You even get so bored of ignoring Ashlyn (you’re buried in your thoughts, how could you not?) that you decide to watch her process of making Alex soup.

It’s not an intriguing process. It’s just a lot of herbs put into some liquid and it is steaming. Boom, soup. You also come to think that it is tomato soup, which makes red the one splash of color in the house.

“Now, Alex, what do we say to Ashlyn?” Tobin asks, feeding her _adult_ girlfriend.

“This is some bombass soup,” Alex replies. Tobin frowns. “I mean, _thank you,_ Ash.” This generates a laugh from Ashlyn and her _stupid_ girlfriend, Carli. Also you. Rare sight: Ali Krieger laughing.

Alex slowly but surely empties the bowl. She’s already looking better, but Tobin still does not let up her worrying. You think that she’s getting a little too carried away, but then, what do you know?

You tap an inconsistent beat on the stool you’re on.

“Nice, Kriegs,” Ashlyn compliments. _Nice, Kriegs._ Nice, Kriegs? Kriegs? Nice?

You’re nice enough to thank her disingenuously.

“I think you’re nicer,” Carli says, poking Ashlyn’s nose with the weight of a feather. She did what you hate most: capitalize on an opportunity to flirt. To be fair, Carli _is_ Ashlyn’s girlfriend, but you still deem that unacceptable. It’s one of your most hated things.

Ashlyn smirks. Carli cups her face. In the background, Alex and Tobin are “fighting” over the fact that Tobin is treating her like a child. You know that Alex loves it; Tobin does too.

The worst thing happens to you right after it. Carli kisses Ashlyn’s forehead. Your left eye twitches and you become alienated from the situation around you. You are losing it. You are a reserved person, quiet, never too loud at any given time. People make fun of you mumbling, even. You don’t even talk that often. Today is different.

“Hey, can you two stop being so couply around me? I’m very lonely and I don’t appreciate it. I literally live in a cheesy romantic comedy everyday with these people, but they’re different. This is actually horribly, especially because it’s Ashlyn and you.” Not Ashlyn and _you._

“Hey, you have a problem with that?” Carli questions, popping up from her beloved seat next to Ashlyn. Also, potentially behind Ashlyn, kissing her ass in the most non-romantic way possible.

“Yeah, I just said I had a problem with it. Are you deaf?” Wrong move, Krieger.

“You’re just jealous that Ashlyn’s with me.” You’re now forced to reveal it all.

You blow up. All the wrong wires have been cut and you are exploding. As a matter of fact, she’s exactly right. You’re jealous. You’re insanely jealous. You feel threatened by someone who is actively dating Ashlyn because you built up this entire fantasy in your head and you lived in it for months. She was never yours and she still is not.

You don’t even know Ashlyn. You know parts of her life, but you don’t know close to everything. This girl probably knows her better than you feel comfortable thinking.

“Yeah, I’m jealous. On top of that, I’m _pissed._ My best friends are engaged. I’m happy for them, but extremely jealous. My _friend_ over here makes me too nervous that I could not take advantage of the glorious opportunity to date her, or even try. I have nothing against you except for the fact that you ruined my life. Not that I blame you or accuse you of doing it on purpose, because of course you didn’t. But, you know what? I thought she was going to be the one person who would be different. Maybe she’d make me a little bit happy -- don’t I deserve that? Happiness? I deserve it. I deserve somebody who wants to be with me, someone who can. If that’s not Ashlyn, _fine._ I wanted it to be her so badly. I’m jealous of you because you have everything I want. I just wanted to be happy. It’s a horrible crime, I know. Sue me, Lloyd.” You don’t even know how you know her last name. By the looks of it, she is shocked too.

Carli is wearing a face that just shouts, “Ali Krieger, you are the stupidest person alive.” But she does not say that herself, thank God. You might have died there and then.

You look at Ashlyn. She’s merely confused. You don’t expect her to understand it now.

“I want you away from my girlfriend as soon as possible,” she demands, stepping right in your face. She says it like it’s simple.

Tobin glances over, getting up quickly. She leaves Alex unattended.

“Yo, don’t get all in her face,” Tobin interrupts Carli, “this can end peacefully, you know.”

Carli pushes Tobin away. Tobin is clearly surprised, falling straight onto the ground. She gets back up and as she turns her head, she sees something absolutely horrible. You don’t know if your heart stopped before from all the heartbreak and started feeling again now or if you have felt all along, but never felt something as bad as this. There is a pit in your heart. The pit engulfed your heart, replaced it.

Alex Morgan has fallen.

Tobin rushes over to her and Alex is starting to sob and say that she has just lost all feeling in her legs; the feeling disappeared. She cannot move her legs. An overwhelming fatigue seems to rush over her.

Your heart completely stops.

You hear Tobin swear. A lot. Someone so religious using profanities that many times just shocks you. You also hear Tobin profess her love, beseech God to help Alex. The younger of the two is shaking. No, they both are.

You’re scared, they’re scared, even Carli and Ashlyn are (probably) scared. You fear for her life. But that doesn’t seem to change Carli’s mind about you.

You look back at Carli and open your mouth to say something, but as soon as you turn your head, you are greeted with knuckles to the bridge of your nose.

You have fallen.

It is too chaotic. Tobin is busy with Alex, Ashlyn is in shock, and there’s Carli pounding at you like there isn’t a tomorrow. At this rate, you won’t have a tomorrow.


	9. it's always rainy in portland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali gets some luck. A lot of luck. That luck comes through and it's named Ashlyn.

_It was the worst of times._

That day was not your last. Your unfortunate soul has countless days left. Your world is quiet now, but you’re still in it.

You don’t know what Ashlyn did to make Carli stop, but you don’t know if you’re so glad about it either. The bridge of your nose feels crushed, as does every other part of your face. You’re sure you have a cool black eye.

You’re very tired as well. If your mouth was a well, it would be a very dry one. It feels like you’ve been eating cotton for the past few years. Speaking of eating, you feel like it’s been a few years since you’ve last eaten. Even cotton sounds appetizing.

You’re in your own bed, surrounded by the thin, slate sheets. It is not cold; draped over you is a plaid blanket. Pillows cover every inch of the area around you. Maybe this isn’t so bad.

Someone cracks the door open slightly. You don’t even care that it could be an intruder. If you died now, you would die content.

It is not necessarily an intruder, but you don’t know how she got in. It’s a friendly face with blonde hair and the goofiest of smiles. You then really remember what happened and instantly frown.

“Hey, Ali,” she whispers, fixing your hair, “how are you?” Her voice is soft and you wonder if this is a dream or not.

You tell her the truth: you’re happy. When has life been this luxurious? Pretty girls don’t sit on your bed and tuck your hair behind your ears. Pretty girls break your heart.

She smiles at you. Ashlyn then proceeds to tell you that you have been out for about three days now. You would slip in and out of consciousness and she says that she would have taken you to the hospital, but you definitely would have protested.

How does she know you so well?

She says Alex is as unwell as she could be.

Alex. _Shit._

You reach for your phone. There are a lot of texts from Tobin and your co-workers (who seem to understand). Emails back from places you have applied to; you can’t stay at Starbucks forever. Especially when you don’t expect Alex to either.

As soon as you move your leg, you freak out. It’s too soft and you know what you’re wearing. First, there is no way you would ever wear your old college sweatpants outside of your house. There is a toxic feeling in your throat again. The first time you felt it, you hated it. It’s kind of like you’re about to throw up, but you don’t. And so much more horrible indescribable things come with it, none of them good.

You’re staring down at your shirt and it’s just a plain t-shirt, but it’s baggier than what is socially acceptable. So, another thing you wouldn’t wear out. Your breathing is irregular and rapid.

Ashlyn seems to recognize it and does not make the mistake of coming closer to you.

“Ali, hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, I guess, changed you without your permission. I just didn’t want you to be uncomfortable when you woke up,” she confesses. Her cause was noble, but you are still having palpitations. “Al, I promise I didn’t do anything or think about it. I wouldn’t. I’m not that type of person.”

You force yourself to believe her. That is all you can do.

“Thank you,” you mumble. Her mouth twitches into a tiny smile and she inches closer to  you.

“Can’t hear your gratitude, Ali. You’re going to have to _ee-nuhn-see-ate_ your words and speak _louder!”_ She says. You playfully hit her shoulder. A silence falls between you two. It’s like the Berlin Wall, except without the socialism and war and a physical wall.

“I need to visit Alex,” you note. It’s less of a request to her.

“No, you need to rest. You might have a concussion,” she informs.

“I don’t care about a concussion. My best friend is dying.”

Ashlyn looks at you with soft eyes, the cheeky smile wiped from her face. She can’t blame you for thinking the way that you are. She doesn’t, but she still wishes you thought better of the situation at hand. She does not respond because Ashlyn doesn’t know if Alex will die or not.

This situation is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get. Very fitting to the whole “Alex Gump” thing, but the joke does not take away from how Alex’s life is on the line. She’s your best friend, you have the right to be worried.

* * *

 Ashlyn makes you soup (not tomato, thank God), a sandwich (no tomatoes, only lettuce and a bunch of meat, thank God), and a milkshake (without tomatoes, because that would be gross).

You devour it in record time.

She forces you to drink as much water as you can. She’s going to be such a good mother one day, whoever she is with.

You thank her. She simply nods and cleans up your dishes. You walk towards a window, and as you look out of it, you see the greyest of clouds overhead. Droplets are falling.

If it is always sunny in Philadelphia, it is always rainy in Portland.

Maybe it’s always raining because something awful is happening and the world just knew.

Alex does not deserve this. You can’t imagine how Tobin feels. You just know it can’t be good.

She must be sitting by Alex’s hospital bed, asking God how she wronged someone or something. Why has He forsaken _her,_ out of all people? She must be sitting there praying, “Lord, do right by me and let me do right by her."

She must be so lost right now. It must be the first time in her life that she has ever been as hurt and lost as this. As far as anyone knows, Tobin has had a great life. Coming out was pretty easy, just not before. Her parents are great. She got a hot, sweet girlfriend and kept her.

But all that must be crashing down now. Tobin is losing her girlfriend to something that none of you even know. She can’t do this alone.

“We have to go,” you insist. You tell Ashlyn that you’re worried for Tobin, which means you’re extra worried since you were already worried about Alex.

Ashlyn sighs and agrees. She takes you there and with every block, your anxiety on this rises.

Approaching the hospital is nerve wracking. There is not a single sentence that could make Tobin or Alex feel better. It should be you in that hospital bed, but you can’t say that.

When you arrive, Tobin is slumped in a chair, holding Alex’s hand. Her hair is a bird’s nest and she’s wearing Alex’s post-workout clothes. She glances over at you two before looking back at Alex.

Alex is asleep.

“We’re here,” Ashlyn declares. Tobin does not laugh and crack a joke. She remains quiet. “Is Alex any better?”

Tobin shakes her head. “Not any worse either. She can’t get much worse,” Tobin informs you two. She has bags under her eyes. “Thanks for coming, Ali. I hope you’re feeling better.” Though you know she means it, she doesn’t have the energy to sound like she does.

You all look at Alex because it is hard not to. She seems peaceful being asleep. Usually, Alex is someone who can carry the conversation. The conversation died the day she collapsed.

“I love her so much,” Tobin says. You don’t think she’s aware she really said it out loud. “I love her. I can’t do anything about this.”

“Tobin.” Ashlyn tries to stop her.

“God, are you there?” Tobin asks, staring up at the ceiling, “if you are, it doesn’t fucking feel like it. Why would you do this? What did I do? What did Alex do? I love her. We deserved to be happy.”

“Tobin, listen to me, please.”

“There is no one who deserves to be happy more than Alex.” Tears well up in Tobin’s eyes. She’s struggling to fight them. The bright, overhead hospital lights make it worse for her.

You can’t do anything to make Tobin feel better.

Ashlyn relentlessly tries getting Tobin to stop, but it is too late. Tobin is gone from all understanding, at least for tonight. The normally collected person that Tobin is has disappeared and she is an empty frame.

Tobin forgets who she is.

You hate seeing Tobin cry.

You hate seeing _anybody_ cry, for that matter. You’ve seen your mother cry, your brother, your friends, and even strangers. There’s a gut-wrenching feeling that comes with it, and it’s the same kind of awful every time.

Tobin’s tears stab at your heart as if they were the sharpest knives on earth. They sink right through your flesh and into your barely beating heart.

She falls into your arms, and you don’t know what to do. You sympathetically rub her back and squeeze her. She buries her wet eyes into your shoulder. Ashlyn comes over and hugs her just the same.

And to think, life was just fun and games.

By the time she calms down, she refuses to speak with people. You do not blame her.

You pull Ashlyn out to leave, your ribs and face aching.

“I think Alex will be fine,” Ashlyn naïvely shares as you settle down in her car. She doesn’t turn the car itself on.

Ashlyn clings onto the hope that Alex will get better. Realistically, that just won’t happen. If _Tobin_ doesn’t think Alex will, then just how much hope can _you_ have?

You shake her head and ask her if you can talk about something else. You’re too exhausted to talk about sob stories.

“I didn’t know you liked me,” Ashlyn confesses, “I had no clue.”

“I thought I made it obvious,” you say. You’re blushing now. There’s no point in hiding anymore.

“Do I really make you that nervous?” You freeze, but luckily she also did. “You made me pretty nervous.”

You made the most beautiful girl in the world “pretty nervous.” You can hardly believe it.

“You’re just very pretty,” you say. Confidence is key. “I just didn’t want you to hurt me. I didn’t know if I could have you.”

She makes a half-scoff, half-innocent laugh. “Ali, I’m pretty sure you’re the most adorable, sweet, and beautiful person I know. I just thought you were straight.” What a horrible misunderstanding!

You choke on air. Unbelievable. “Me? Straight? Jeez, Ash…” She laughs. “What happened to Carli?”

Ashlyn shakes her head and puts the key in, turning it, and turning the car on. “I don’t know if I ever really liked her. She’s usually nice, but she could have killed you. So, I told her to get out of my life. I realized that there was a reason I was so worried about you, other than Carli nearly killing you.”

You are more important than the person you were so jealous of. Always were.

Did it hurt her to be with Carli and not with you? If it were you, you’d just pretend the other poor sap was Ashlyn. The thought of being with someone when you want somebody else sounds wrong to you.

There’s the widest grin on your face. It’s the first one in a while and it’s finally for the right reason.

She pulls up at your place. When you ask her to stay over, she does. You have too much to talk about.

“So, if you like me and I like you…” you start, “maybe we should date? Maybe.” A girl can hope.

Ashlyn chuckles at you. The two of you sit on the couch. “We can go to lunch tomorrow. I can’t believe I’m already sleeping over, Al, it’s only the first night!” Ah, her humor. You love it. You can forgive the lewd jokes because she does not know you as well as she will.

You hope she isn’t just pitying you. “If you don’t really want to date me --”

She places her hand on yours. “I do, Ali. You should have told me earlier.”

You spent all that time ignoring her, and for what? She did nothing wrong.

She turns on the TV. It’s a Golden State Warriors game; you see the “Steph and Draymond” Alex and Tobin (and company) went to highschool with. They’re doing phenomenal. But the people who matter and know them aren’t here to see it. Still, great game. Your head is drawn to Ashlyn’s shoulder.

In a world so filled with havoc, everything is going so right for you.

Ashlyn cups your face and kisses your forehead. Her lips press to your smooth skin; they’re warm, but chills run down your spine. It is replaced by her warmth quickly.

The same move that hurt you days ago makes you fall in love even more today.

Tomorrow has even more moments for love. For the first time in months, you feel the thrill of anticipation. Tomorrow will be beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it only took half of the fic for them to get together haha oops. well, it'll get better from here. thank you for reading. see ya next time. also just as a little note i'm doing a talex-centric backstory after this.


	10. it can't ever be right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali and Ashlyn take a stroll and have a great time. Tobin's life still sucks. In honor of it being the ides of March, let me make fun of Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare. There is a tide in the affairs of men... and it's favoring Ali. Surprise! Good things can happen to those who painfully complain about everything.

“Good morning, Ali,” the pleasant voice you wake up to greets, “it’s eleven o’clock.” You groan and look at your phone. Ashlyn is kind of right. It’s actually eleven-thirty.

“We’re going to miss lunch if I stay in bed any later,” you state. You either get up at the crack of dawn or hardly get up at all. Today is the latter.

Ashlyn shrugs. “We don’t have to go to lunch then,” she says, a smirk on her face.

You smile right back. “We don’t have to,” you agree. You motion her to cuddle with you in the bed and she does. She’s smooth, immediately wrapping her arm around your shoulder. “But I don’t want to stay here all day.” Her smile does not fade.

There is something so comforting about being in bed with someone that you like. Not even the sexual kind, just the innocent, gentle touches. This is what you have craved for the longest time: innocence. Ashlyn is giving it to you and she is not protesting.

“We stay here five more minutes and we skip lunch and find out something else to do, deal?”

“Deal.”

So you do.

The two of you hold an empty conversation about your lives. It is nothing new, but just talking to her is fine with you. If she’s yours, that might just be all you need.

She speaks about what you already know and thankfully, you two stay off any recent events. She doesn’t even ask about Kyle. Evading your life and you is his specialty, and he has done it once again.

You wonder if Kyle would like Ashlyn. Ashlyn is the type of girl one _would_ take to a family dinner, or at least you. You’re too proud of her not to want to take her everywhere.

Four or so years ago, you definitely would have hidden her. The knock to your brain and college, and everything else, surely changed that. You are not afraid and the ghosts of your past stopped haunting you.

Five minutes later, you two are already dressed up in appropriate attire for the weather.

It’s cloudy, but it is not raining. There’s a first time for everything.

You two decide on a walk. Her arm comfortably fits around your waist; it is neither too low nor too high. She keeps you close. There’s two possible reasons why: she either understands how it feels to finally have someone you have agonizingly liked for a while or she thinks you’re cold. You really should not complain whatever her reason, and you aren’t.

One thing you find out about Ashlyn is that she is very courteous. She’s the girl who holds doors open for you and blesses you when you sneeze. She places her warm hands around your cold ones because that’s who she is. Ashlyn’s love is the kind that everybody wants and you finally have.

She mentions a lot of things about here that you never even knew. Turns out, there’s more to this city than your apartment and Tobin and Alex’s. You knew this park existed, but you’ve never been this deep in it before.

The trail is unpaved, all natural, completely beautiful. Ashlyn never loosens her hold on you. You gather some stares from parents, but for the most part, no one gives you a single glance. Those few people don’t deter Ashlyn, and since you’re prouder than ever, they don’t deter you either.

She stops right at a little, cute bridge. “My parents used to take me here all the time,” she informs.

“I’ve never been here,” you tell her, in complete awe of the surroundings. Living in Virginia gave you beautiful views, but nothing compares to this. Also, Ashlyn’s a pretty good sight too. “It’s so beautiful.”

“So are you.”

Her face is fragile and that’s how you know she means it. She says it like it’s a fact and although you disagree, it’s reality to her. Ashlyn thinks you’re beautiful. What a first.

If you were to die now, you would resent God and everything else. You are too happy.

She faces you, staring down and avoiding your eyes. While squeezing your arm with one arm, she places a hand on your cheek with the other. Ashlyn tips your chin up.

You think she’s going to do it.

She does not. She smiles at you and kisses your forehead. Ashlyn’s got a knack for that.

“You’re a tease,” you tell her, lightly pushing her away while giggling.

“I know.” She pulls you back into her arms. “Come on, who kisses on the first date?”

_You, I wish._

The both of you walk back to your house. You begin to forget the life you lived without Ashlyn’s arm around you. It is better that way.

* * *

Tobin is freaking out. You have never seen her so stressed. You also doubt she really goes home. She’s been wearing Alex’s sweatshirt for too long.

She tells you and Ashlyn that Alex is getting worse. The rest of her body is beginning to be paralyzed and it is difficult for her to eat, sit up -- anything simple.

Alex feels like a burden, and she makes sure that she shows it.

Tobin explains that this is the worst it has ever been. You're confused and so you ask for clarification, and she tells you that this reoccurring, but it has never been this bad. It would be a cough here, a cough there, a giant coughing fit. Then, maybe Alex would get a fever for a while. Nausea. Dizziness. Alex would be short of breath, but not half as bad as the day you got knocked out.

Still, Tobin loves her and can't do much. It’s hard to stay. You can think of people who would just get up and leave at this point, but Tobin is too dedicated.

Coincidence is a myth. This is not a coincidence that Alex gets sick after she got engaged, it was some twisted idea by the divines to hurt her. You hate it.

Tobin crying day after day is not something you want to see, but you’re subject to the torment.

“Toby, please don’t cry,” Alex pleads, looking a little sad herself. She struggles to brush Tobin’s tears away, but she manages. “I love you.”

“Shit. Alex, you don’t get it. I love you so much. Whatever this is, we can get through it. I wake up everyday next to you. I love when I wake up before you, and you're just curled up next to me. I love seeing you. I'm not going to let anything take that away from me. We're getting married, okay? We're going to get married, Lex. I love you and I hate seeing you hurt.”

Alex does not seem convinced and still definitely feels like she is going to die. “We deserve better than this, Tobin. But, I love you too.”

Maybe it’s possible to love someone too much. Love is good, that’s common knowledge. But when it’s between Alex and Tobin in the situation they’re in, maybe Alex is right. Neither deserve it. It would be easier if they never even knew each other, but Tobin unfortunately has a speck of faith left.

Maybe she thinks that it is worth it. Then again, what do you know about love?

The room is bland. It’s too sterile. Too plain. Alex and Tobin’s place is fashionably lacking color. The hospital feels old, like you’re stuck in a black and white film.

This is a tragedy.

Tobin is still holding onto Alex’s paling hands. She can’t do anything else. Alex is right and you hate to agree with her, but she knows what they deserve. It is not this.

At this point, Alex deserves to live out the remainder of her life (however long that could be) without hurting the one person she’s ever truly loved anymore. She admits that she has not been the best of lovers, often taking more than giving. She argues; she’s Alex Morgan, what do you expect?

Tobin deserves happiness with some girl who you don’t know yet.

Tobin isn’t even willing to try, and you can’t blame her for it.

They kiss and you don’t even mind.

It is just a shame it had to come this far. Even you hope that she’ll get better, but you know how far plain hoping gets you.

Nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx 4 reading,,,, i got nothing to say except follow my tumblr ;-) oharatrash.tumblr.com ;-))))


	11. it was never about us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story turns out to not be what it was supposed to be. Ali realizes that although she is being talking to, she is not the center of the universe. Alex thinks happiness is making Tobin leave, but Tobin persists. Also, the bad part of Ali's daydream comes true.

You were mistaken to think anything good could come into your life. Of course, there's Ashlyn, but you can't base your whole life around the girl. That's just not fair to her.

You thought Ashlyn would be enough to make you happy and forget everything. She makes you happy, of course she does. She gets your blood pumping and at the same time, she calms you down. She’s your early morning coffee and your late night tea. She embodies everything and everyone you have ever loved, but without the harsh endings.

Still, everything sucks right now and dating Ashlyn does not change the fact that your best friend is sick. No, your best friend is dying. Have you even realized that?

You’ve been denying your friend of seeing you just because you have a girlfriend. Maybe you just can’t stand seeing her like that. You love Alex when she is healthy -- not that you love her any less now that she isn’t, but that is the Alex you know. That is the girl who tried to listen to you.

Maybe this Alex is irritable. Maybe it would be absolute sin to call this hollow version of a human by her proper name: this is no Alex. The real Alex loves to run. She isn’t as calm and collected as Tobin. In fact, when she wants to run and for whatever reason, Tobin won’t let her, she’ll just bounce off the walls. You know _exactly_ how she releases her energy. She can’t even do that now.

Even if Alex had the energy to want to do anything, she simply cannot.

It has been at least two weeks and Tobin hardly ever leaves the hospital. She even sends Hope to take care of their house. At this rate, you’re not sure that Tobin will ever go home.

Tobin walks out of the room. You and Ashlyn respectfully waited for her instead of barging in. You’re sure they still smile a little when no one is around.

“I don’t think Alex is going to make it,” Tobin tells you, her voice flat, “I don’t even think the doctor thinks so. This might be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” It also might be the worst thing that might _ever_ happen to her.

Ashlyn looks at her sorrowfully and you can tell she sympathizes her. She pats her arm and hugs the girl. Tobin hugs her back, and she does not even cry.

Tobin has grown accustomed to accepting reality. There is no use on stressing what you cannot change. Everyone has had these moments. For example, you couldn’t control that no one liked you in high school and that your life was a total mess. You can’t change Germany. You can’t even change the menu at Starbucks; you don’t have that power and there is no use even trying to change it.

Tobin used to fight it. That’s ultimately how her and Alex got together in the first place. She has changed.

You have nothing to say to Tobin, because she does not want to hear your apology. Ashlyn always knows what to say, even here. “You can’t just give up, Tobin,” Ashlyn told her, “how do you think God would feel that you gave up on the angel He gave you? He doesn’t want her back. She’s yours. I don’t want to guilt trip you, but this is your girlfriend, you know? No, she’s your fiancé.”

Tobin argues, “There’s just no possible way --”

“I’m not a strongly religious person at all, but even I know that God will make a way. Just believe. Tobin, that’s what you’ve always done,” Ashlyn reminds her, “Alex wants to live, I can tell! If you give up on her, then what’s the point? She doesn’t want to live without you. She wants you to fight for her. Tobin, you’re just blind if you can’t see that this girl you read the Bible or _Harry Potter_ to every night lets you do that because she loves you. That doesn’t stop because she got sick. If you give up on her, she gives up on herself.”

Analyzing her speech, she used emotional and touchy topics for Tobin: Ashlyn uses God, Alex, and _Harry Potter_ to convince Tobin _._ It works. She convinces you in the process.

Something just clicks with Tobin and she heads back into the room. You drop onto a nearby chair while Ashlyn does the same. You feel her eyes on you.

“Ash, did you mean anything during that?” you ask. For all you know, it could have just been her trying to make Tobin feel better.

It wasn’t. “I meant everything. No one should give up on people that they care about.” Kyle did.

“I don’t know. I guess so.”

She rubs your arm in a similar, but more affectionate way than she did with Tobin. “Ali, I’m here for you. Alex will be fine, trust me. And just so you know, I love you.” It all seems premature, but you know how _you_ feel. You trust that she knows about her own feelings.

“I love you too.” You rest your head against her. She turns and kisses the top of your head and you feel like her kisses could clear the world of all its problems. She sighs. “Are you okay?” She’s asked you that a million times, so it might be time to ask her.

She shrugs, temporarily moving you up  with her shoulder. “Compared to you and Tobin, yeah. But Alex has been a good friend for a while now, you know? It’s hard to be positive about it. And God... Tobin. She’s going insane.”

“She really loves her, doesn’t she?”

“She does.” Ashlyn stares down at the white-tiled ground and it stares back at her. Her face seems tense and there is not even the slightest of smiles appearing.

“Ash,” you call. She looks over at you immediately. “What would we even do if Alex doesn’t survive now?”

“ _We_ would find somewhere and we would be fine eventually, because, you know, pain like that ends after a while. It gets quieter. But that would leave Tobin alone, and I’ve never been concerned about us being okay. We will be no matter what because Alex is only a part of our lives,” she says, “Tobin has known Alex longer than us and has been romantically attached to her from the minute they met. Tobin doesn’t _know_ a life without Alex. We do.”

“We would survive and she wouldn’t,” you paraphrase. She nods.

In the hypothetical situation that Alex dies, you theorize that Tobin would keep to her word. She would die unmarried, forever engaged to the love of her life. While everyone else, like you and Ashlyn, would be happy, she would third wheel everywhere.  
  
There would be people interested in her, but she would not be able to even think about a relationship. She couldn't bear to do it anyway, with the painful memories of Alex always creeping in. She would slip away.

She would never have children to read _Harry Potter_ to. She would be horribly alone and refuse to rid of anything relating to Alex. She's too devoted to her to not do that.  
  
Maybe she would even stop believing in God.  
  
Her life would be in shambles. She'd stare out the window, focusing on each drop of rain. She would lose her focus and forget everything, even Alex. This would be years after, and she'd think about everything she had done wrong, only coming to the conclusion that she was just destined to live a tragedy.  
  
This hypothetical Tobin sounds kind of like you.  
  
Oh.  
  
Dear God, don't let Alex die.

You two wait for what feels like hours for Tobin to come out of Alex’s room. When she does come out, her strut is less of one. It is more like that step-per-hour, head down walk people do when they’re sad. She’s sad.

Tobin brings you both in. Alex is just there, awake, staring at the ceiling. She’s still extremely pretty despite recent events.

It must be exhausting to be around someone so ill for weeks with no end, even if they are someone you can just love and love and love. Tobin has been by her side for a very long time. That is love. She cares more that Alex knows that she is loved than feeling comfortable herself.

It was never about you getting the girl. This is not a romantic teen comedy. This is real life and your friend is dying. It was never about you and Ashlyn finding each other and going on a journey of love, it was about you realizing what love is because of Tobin and Alex. It was never about you.

You will never forgive this world. For the rest of your life, you will hold all of the world in your hands, crushing it even though it would crush you in the process.

No one is in a good place anymore. You can’t remember the last time Tobin really laughed or smiled. Ashlyn seems stressed. Alex is dying. You? Well, you know. You’re just always a mess.

Alex breaks it to her, “Tobin, please, I can’t keep this in anymore. I know what’s going to happen. We both do. I love you enough to know that this is just going to hurt you.” She reaches out for Tobin’s face. Alex places a presumably cold hand on Tobin’s cheek, brushing it softly with her thumb. Her voice is just a whisper now. “I just want you to be happy. I want you to live your life and live it to the fullest because I know that’s what you want to do. You’ve made me the happiest girl on earth. Maybe I’m dying because I couldn’t do the same for you.” Alex is just unbelievable.

Tobin is even more unbelievable. “Alex, I love you, but you’re completely wrong. I only see _you_. I can only have _you_. I don’t know if you have a day or a month or a year or the rest of my life, but I’m going to stick with you even when you don’t want me to. I don’t care how much it hurts to see you and lose you every single day, I want you to understand that. I love you. I’m not going to leave you. There’s no one out there who could make me half as happy as you do. I’m never finding anybody else.”

“Tobin, you don’t need to do that.”

“I don’t need to, but this is exactly what I want.” She is not ready to let Alex go.

Dedication. That is love.

You aren’t really religious at all, but you slip a little mental note to God and hope that He is listening.

Maybe your luck is running out. When you and Ashlyn get home, you find the great notice from your daydream all those months ago.

You are getting evicted. Have fun!


	12. doesn't feel right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali's life once she returns to the (in)famous Starbucks just feels wrong. Nothing is right without Alex Morgan. Also, more importantly, Ashlyn makes Ali mac and cheese.

Just like in your daydream, Ashlyn lets you move in with her. No one would expect that she wouldn’t: she likes being around you, so living with you would be a plus. It isn’t like you two have been living together for the past week or anything.

You return to your normal routine, hiding whatever remains from Carli’s gift to your body somehow. You kind of look like a dalmatian, but with bruises instead of spots. They’ll heal.

“Ali, you look like shit,” your coworker tells you once you walk in, “but I’m glad you’re back.” Nice save.

You wave her away and head to the back. Usually, you would get a huge grin and enthusiastic greeting, but Alex is not here. It’s weird enough not having her be at the counter, but she isn’t even taking inventory anymore. She’s blocks away taking pills.

Instead of Alex, you get some other coworker who you really don’t care about. She’s taking inventory too slowly and it bothers you. She still tries to keep conversations with you.

“Hey, Ali, what’s the status update on Alex?” she asks as if she is entitled to know. You want to pour burning coffee on her face.

 _None of your fucking business._ “I don’t really know,” you tell her. Talking about someone being seriously ill is not how you want to start your morning. Thinking about it, it isn’t a good idea for them to ask. Maybe you’ll shout it when you get off at noon.

Ah, yes. Could you even imagine? You wouldn’t accomplish much except for freaking out your coworkers. It is not like they _really_ want to know. They don’t know her. You’ve seen Alex at her weakest, they only know Alex at her obligatory friendly best. She’s a barista, how can she not be nice?

How dare they even think that they deserve to know. That’s Alex’s information, and if they cared, they would ask _her._ But if they _really_ cared, they would just know.

There is no point in you being here anymore.

On the bright side, your favorite customer shows up at the end of your shift.

“Hey, Princess,” Ashlyn says. You’ve memorized her voice now, the rhythm of it and the different sounds that she emphasizes. All her “you know?”s even when you don’t. Beauty takes the form of Ashlyn. “Could I get our drink?” Keyword: _our._

You smile at her. “I got off about… a minute and thirty-two seconds ago,” you inform her. She puts up a pouty face. “I guess I could make an exception.”

She smiles and that’s the reason you’re alive, you swear. Not to be cliché, but she’s the light of your life. You knew only darkness before her; you were shrouded in the shadow of your family life and your friends’ relationship.

You stopped chasing wild love a long time ago. Ashlyn is typically calm, and honestly? You’re getting too old for that. You just receive love without questioning it now. You don’t want more than what she can give you. It happens.

She loves you quietly. She loves you in the ways that you hardly notice. Ashlyn does your laundry and makes the bed. She makes you breakfast when she can and when she can’t, she leaves a nice note and some money, telling you to go buy something to eat. When you two are sleeping, you trust her. She slips her body around yours and keeps you safe, that is just how Ashlyn is. She kisses the back of your head, the top of your head, your forehead -- everything, pretty much. Everything you let her.

Her love comes a certain way and you love that it does. Ashlyn Harris understands just how Ali Krieger ticks and what makes her want to stop. Ashlyn Harris knows Ali Krieger better than Ali Krieger knows Ali Krieger.

You hand the coffee she ordered to her, you even threw in a blueberry scone. You’re off. It felt considerably longer than usual.

“So, how was work?” Ashlyn asks, sipping her caramel macchiato, “Ouch, wait, fuck, that’s hot.” Whoops.

You laugh at her because… how can you not? “I guess it was okay. I miss Alex being here,” you say as if she doesn’t already know, “Not just here. I miss Alex everywhere.”

She only nods because Ashlyn cannot offer you _everything._ Silence fills her mind and comes out of her mouth. She knows that it is not her place to speak.

You stare at the window on the car ride home. She does not disturb you because, again, it isn’t her place to. You look back at her often, because she is much more beautiful than anything out there. Ashlyn’s a focused driver most of the time, and so she hardly notices you looking at her.

The two of you get home, you just crash. You force yourself to have enough energy to change into different clothes, but after that, you curl up in bed and do nothing else. It’s only noon. You’re hungry, but you’re also tired. Sleep beats food most of the time.

Ashlyn allows you to sleep a decent twenty minutes before actually bothering you. She figures that you should eat, or maybe she wants to talk to you. Point is, she woke you up.

“Ali, I made you some mac and cheese,” she tells you, “I mean, just in case you want some.”

“I’m starving, thanks Ash,” you say. You can’t get too mad at someone for waking you up if they made you mac and cheese.

Just as she’s about to walk out, Ashlyn turns back around, her hand on the frame of the door. “I love you.”

Reminders of love are thoughtful. “I love _you._ ” She grins, and when she walks out, there’s a happy bounce to it.

Being the well-mannered person that you are, you don’t keep Ashlyn waiting. You sit down at the small table and she brings you your food.

If before, you loved her for her looks, then now, you love her because she is caring. Even though she looks like she could and would punch your mom, she’s really just a giant teddy bear.

“How is it?” she asks. She’s one of those people.

“It’s either mediocre and I’m just really hungry or it’s actually really good,” you say. She rolls her eyes but smiles nonetheless. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She’s straightforward. “When you’re done, do you want to go sleep with me?”

“Excuse me?” You nearly choke.

“Oh my God, no, not like that. Unless you want to, you know.” You shake your head slowly. “I mean, like, just… with me. You’re tired, I’m tired, why not?”

Minutes later, you find yourself in bed with Ashlyn. It isn’t uncommon, but it’s still something to note. She’s holding you and you can feel her breath land on your neck. You do not mind it.

“This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me,” you tell her, and she knows what you’re talking about.

“I love you.” It is all that matters.

“I don’t even know how to feel.”

“I love you.”

“I thought I had everything sorted out, but I don’t.”

“I love you.”

To everything you say, she says that she loves you. She just wants you to stop focusing on all your problems. It’s kind of working, actually.

You turn to face her, and even though the curtains are closed, bits of sunlight peek through and hit her face. She smiles as you and maybe that means just a little more than the fact that she loves you. It is nice to be loved, but nothing is nicer to know that the person you love is happy.

She kisses your forehead, but you’re selfish. You want more. Her touch is too soothing to let pass.

“Ashlyn, come on, we’re adults. I didn’t mean you can’t kiss me,” you tell her.

So she does.

And it’s slow at first, because Ashlyn’s obviously nervous. You’ve indirectly told her what you’re uncomfortable with and she gets why. She understands, but you just wish she would hurry the _fuck_ up. It would make things so much easier for you.

When her lips touch yours, you feel something almost unfamiliar. It’s something that has not been in your life for years: it is love. You can’t see her because your eyes are shut, but you can imagine that she looks beautiful.

Maybe her blonde hair is just a little bit messier now that she’s lying on her side.

You know that you will never really get over your past, but Ashlyn loving you has helped you accept it more than ever before. There will always be nightmares about before, but now, Ashlyn holds you and tells you that it will be okay. She is there and she will not hurt you.

She finally decides to speed things up. Ashlyn is _such_ a top. You are _such_ a bottom. It’s nice, but it doesn’t matter if everything is making you nervous, or maybe not nervous, maybe it's making you sick -- but why wouldn’t it? You have every right to feel that way. You decide that you just can’t do it yet.

So you pull away, and of course she groans because that’s human nature. But what makes her different is that she does not do anything. Ashlyn is a decent person and does not force her wants onto you.

She knows that intimacy is a privilege, not a right.

“It’ll happen when it’ll happen,” you promise, “please just wait for me.”

She nods and kisses your forehead, which is not surprising.

Your lovely moment is ruined when someone texts you. At first, you think it might be Tobin for obvious reasons. Maybe even your old friend, Morgan Brian. Maybe it’s your coworkers. Maybe it's your data carrier informing you that you don't have any data left this month.

But it isn’t.

It’s Kyle Krieger.

_“Ali, I know I haven’t been the best brother, but I’m going to try to be. I’m going to fix my life. You’re one of the biggest reasons that I’m going to. I was so selfish. I didn’t think that it would affect you. I’m going to these meetings now to get help. I’m sorry it took this long.”_

Better late than never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sad i'm almost done with this (there's only 18 chapters in total) but it's alright because i have the talex backstory to this to write. if anyone reads this, should that be in third or second person (like this one)? not that it really matters or anyone cares but i think second would fit with the ccwd "style" better since this is second person. so far i've written it in second person but like i don't know how much i like it yet. it's from tobin's pov in case anyone cared. thank you for reading :-)


	13. it's my turn to be there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quality time alone with Alex and Ali. Alex is stubborn and Ali, for once, actually has a decent conversation with Alex. Because it matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have fun + thank you for reading .. five more chapters!!!

Alex’s racking cough and pale skin are taking over your life. At first, it was fine. “Fine” is not the right word, but you didn’t notice her pain as much before. Then again, you were too focused on the fact that Carli Lloyd knocked you out and kept you knocked out for _three days._ Alex’s pain is unavoidable now.

You sit in her dreary hospital room and you want nothing more than to escape it. The walls close in on you and even if you are with two people that you love, it feels like you’re the only one being crushed here. Tobin is optimistic after Ashlyn’s speech but you can’t be. You don’t believe that she will get better and from the looks of it, Alex doesn’t either.

You don’t even think she wants to. It’s too much effort to recover.

But _you_ want her to.

To make matters worse, you’re stuck with her and your thoughts. Ashlyn and Tobin are probably working or something, and Alex should never be left alone. She hates it most of the time, especially now.

She _is_ looking better than the first few days. Insignificantly better, but still better.

You watch her play with her engagement ring, which she now wears on a chain as a necklace. She will never lose it this way. The illness fades when she looks at it, and it’s like Tobin proposed to her again every time that she does. That is how happy she is.

She knows that it might never amount to anything, but it would be glorious if it did.

The possibility of their wedding never happening definitely takes a toll on Alex, and as far as you can see, it’s why she wants Tobin to let go. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her, just that she shouldn’t anymore.

“Ali, I used to be the best runner in the state of California, maybe even on a collegiate level,” she tells you, although you never asked.

“What happened?” you ask, because you really don’t know.

She shakes her head and points to her hip, then her knees. “I ran too much. Then I took a bad fall. This was senior year of college. I was so scared to tell Tobin because she really believed I was going to be some great runner someday, I didn’t want to disappoint her. The meet was against the University of Oregon, I was young, and I didn’t know where to go after, so I just went to Portland. You found me there. It was a sad day and I barely finished college after that. I think I went back to take my finals, which I _think_ I failed, and clean out my room.”

“You’re essentially a college dropout.”

“Yes and no.”

“Well, what happened after?”

“Tobin came, remember? I had this horrible limp… we got our place, we got jobs, and here I am. Dying.” Everything happened so fast.

Alex's time draws closer than anyone would like. She is by far the healthiest out of everyone you know, but yet she is the one who has to be ill. 

Her weakness now does not take away from her strength before.

You tell her that there will never be someone else like her. She's too special. There will never be another Alex Morgan.

Alex Morgan set unbeatable records at her school. It did not get her anywhere besides college, but she surely made her coaches happy.

Alex Morgan came to you, looking for whoever was offering help. The showers that night blinded you. The drops were ocean waves, crashing onto your car and there was Alex Morgan, soaked, basically begging you to pull over. You, being the humane person you have always been, asked her what was wrong. The light in her eyes was dull. She said she needed help because her girlfriend was going to be in town in the next few weeks but had nowhere to go. The best decision of your life was when you let her stay with you. You had no reason not to, anyway. If she killed you that night, you probably would have been fine with it.

Her eyes lit up when she changed out of her soppy leggings and blouse and into your freshly-dried sweatpants and sweatshirt.  
  
Weeks later, you met Tobin. Alex's eyes were blue blazing balls of fire, and you felt the passion then. You didn't appreciate it, but you acknowledged that she loved her. You grew tired of it, you even forgot that it really existed. It started to seem one-sided, but now? Now you know how much Alex loves her.

Alex's eyes are pale, reflecting her sickness and how she has to be away from Tobin, not being able to be held the way she would like or hold her. There is still a chance she may never again. That would be the day that all the lights in everyone's eyes shut off.

Get rid of everything. Delete the pictures. Turn off all the lights, and never turn them on again. Shut the blinds. Move away from Portland. Forget her existence. Forget yours. A life without Alex Morgan is hardly survivable. Though it is possible, it is not a life you can see yourself really living, and it surely is not one you want to live. And if everyone would just be honest, you don’t even _want_ to live half of the time. Seriously, your life is a total train-wreck. Your family is only half-existent, your best friend is dying -- Of course you know all this stuff, it’s been stated a million times. You might never even learn that you can control these things.

But you know you can control this moment.

“I really don’t want you to die,” you tell Alex bluntly. It’s awkward.

She chuckles at you before having a coughing fit. “No one does. I guess I’m special.”

You know she’s joking, but you agree, and you’re not joking. “You don’t know how much we need you. I can’t let you go. We can’t do anything without you. Our whole lives depend on everything dumb that you say without thinking or do with Tobin or just everything that you do. You're the reason everything good is happening now. I’m not going to let you die.”

Alex sends a soft, yet sad, smile your way. “It isn’t your choice, Ali.”

“What about Tobin?"

“Yeah, what _about_ Tobin?”

“You can’t leave her. You’re engaged to her. You hardly even fight for your life, but why? I don’t know. You have everything you’ve ever wanted.” She merely looks at you. So, you continue. “Have you ever lost anything so important in your life that you can’t help but think that it was always your fault? If you were there for them more, they would have stayed. If you loved them just a little bit more, they would have stayed. Their lives would be better if you treated them better, maybe. If you loved them more than you did.”

“I haven’t felt that.”

“It’s how I feel about my brother. Tobin probably feels this way, and we both know how Tobin is. She beats herself up when you aren’t happy. Don’t be a fuckwad about it. You two are too special.” For someone who is newly in a relationship, you can get pretty heated about these things.

You tell her that there isn’t anyone like Alex and Tobin. The two are so filled with love for each other and nothing less. Their love is Sunday coffee, it's fresh and rejuvenating. Through all generations, no one might

She stays so quiet and it is the scary kind of quiet, particularly because it is Alex Morgan being quiet. She doesn’t try to fight or argue with you.

“Okay.” And that is all. It is how you know she changed her mind. All she has to do now is live.

You two stay on lighter topics for the rest of the night.

She tells you about Kelley and how she stopped by. It was apparently quiet. There's no denying that they are not the power duo anymore; high school is over. It's evident that she still values Kelley, and from what you've heard, Kelley does too.

Also, Kelley made a deal with her.

Alex pulls out the (typed, by the way) contract that Kelley made and shows you the highlights.

“ _I, Alexandra Patricia Morgan(-Heath), hereby state that I will live, therefore reaping the benefits of Kelley O’Hara moving to Portland, Oregon and being the BEST NEIGHBOR EVER!!!_

_Also, I sign here to agree that Kelley is great and I will never ban Kelley from my house._

_________________  
_ _(Alex, that’s where you sign!)”_

In a way, this is all really emotionally manipulative. Then again, what you said to her wasn’t much better. Also, Kelley is loads cuter than you, so she can get away with things like this.

You hand her a pen so that she can sign it. She doesn’t. She just doesn’t get it. Did she ever really change her mind or did she just want you to shut up?

“Tobin can find anybody else,” she claims. As true as it is, you disagree.

“She doesn’t want to.”

Alex is baffled that you think that this is under her control. But you  _know_ that if she wanted to live, she would. This is her fight. “Why does it matter to you so much?”

Because you have decency. Because you love Tobin. Because Alex dying would crush you for a while. Because Alex is one of the only people you have left. Because Alex and Tobin deserve to be happy, because they taught you that love is not just some marketed lie. It exists.

You tell her that.

You tell her that Tobin Heath and Alex Morgan are a better relationship than Allie and Noah, than Gus and Hazel.  
  
Than Ashlyn and Ali.

You tell her this and hope that she is listening.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ali,” she tells you. At least you are promised tomorrow.

Before she falls asleep, she tells you to quit your job at Starbucks and be happy. She realized that as much as she liked the job, she'd rather do something else.

There is so much more to living than this.

You’re young and you have so much of your life ahead of you. When you apply for a job, you are accepted. They think that you’re promising and can help you succeed. Companies offer you jobs. Why? Who knows, who cares?

And for now, Alex Morgan has promised you and everyone else a tomorrow. She swears to it. She hasn’t signed Kelley’s thing yet, but she will.

Give everything time and everything will fix itself.


	14. it's a new day (but some things aren't new)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's nothing new, but Ali is tired of it.

You don’t know why God would do this to any of you. None of you really deserve it. Some never thought this day would come, others strongly believed that it would. At the start, it seemed unlikely. But as time passed, especially up to today, the outcome became more clear and suddenly, it was obvious what was going to happen.

Alex Morgan was supposed to be Tobin’s proof of forever. The two were meant to live on and have the cutest of kids and be the best. They were supposed to be the greatest love story of all time, greater than anything, just like you said. Nothing changes their greatness now. They are undeniably, indubitably, the greatest couple to ever live.

Though it is only human to have wants and get some of them fulfilled, this one was, and might have been, the greatest want.

Alex Morgan survived.

Alex Morgan is so alive that even she cannot believe it.

For the first time in weeks, you see Tobin smile. The love of her life is out and about (kind of), getting physical therapy. Although it took time, it was worth it.

Also, you quit your job. Whoops! But it’s okay, you had a backup. This media company in some bigger building right by the Skurf gave you a job. You are going to get Ashlyn everything she deserves now.

Love has been branded something new for you. It holds more importance than before. You were taught the ultimate lesson in love and now you’re using it. You’ve learned more in the past few months than the past seventeen years of actual education.

If it was possible to love Ashlyn even more, then Tobin and Alex showed you how.

Tobin shows you a letter. It was written by Alex after you convinced her that fighting to live was the better option. You hope that you’re able to show love that easily to Ashlyn one day. Everything just takes a little time, even you do. Love is patient, love is kind. Ashlyn is love.

But anyway, Alex’s letter to Tobin while on her “deathbed.”

_“Dear Tobin,_

_All the bad things in the world nearly made me forget how much I love you. Or not nearly, because it really did. This is the first time in my life I ever wanted you to give up on me. But I don’t want that anymore. Everything is looking up for me and even if it’s just for now, I want you to be there with me in my last moments. I know you wouldn’t want it any different way._

_I’ve always wanted you. From the moment we met in junior year Chemistry, I just knew. My life was normal before I met you, and while most people would think that is a good thing, but I got so bored. Once I fell in love with the geeky, Harry Potter-obsessed, Christian girl with braces, it felt almost like a movie. It was a thrill. You used to always tell me that I was the girl of your dreams. I don’t know if you were originally supposed to be who I fell in love with, I mean, if you think about it, we were very different. We’ve grown to have more similarities, but when we were in high school, we were complete opposites. I was the athletic “popular” girl that everyone loved and you were, as you say, “the weird nerdy kid who never got laid.” That changed so quick._

_We’ve settled down a lot since then, but my love for you has not. While we are not hormonal teenagers who sneak out in the middle of the night to make out, we’re still pretty exciting. I get excited when you make me eggs in the morning and when we just stay in and watch basketball, all cuddled up in our blanket that is too small… you try keeping me warm with just your bare arms even though you’re colder than me. It makes me know that you love me. Tobin, young love is real and we are living proof of it._

_You were the first one who taught me what love was and I know now that no one else ever will, and I don’t want anyone else to._

_It’s easy to forget that you love someone when you’re about to die. You have a lot more on your mind. I had a lot of time to think, which is why I came up with that ridiculous idea that we should break up. I don’t know how that could possibly make you happy. I know I was wrong. Don’t let me get doped up on pharmaceutical drugs._

_I never want to let go of you. You’re so easy to love. I don’t know how you put up with me. I am so lucky to have you._

_Our love is the strongest._

_Yours always,_

_Alex”_

“Isn’t it so beautiful?” Tobin asks, almost giddy with it.

“Yeah --”

“I’m so happy she’s alive.”

“Me --”

“Our wedding is going to be _so_ cool. We’ve been planning it for a really long time and Alex’s mom and stuff have really helped out and, dude, you’re going to _love_ it, and I’m sure Pinoe will be there and Mal will be there too, but please don’t let her drink because I don’t want to go to jail, and, and, and --”

“ _Tobin,_ I’m sure it’s amazing. Let it be a surprise.” She nods.

You leave Tobin and Alex to their own business. You can’t imagine they’ll do much except hug each other the whole day. A love like that should be one that everyone desires to have. This leaves you a lot of time to think about Alex’s letter and, well, you feel inadequate. You aren’t quite in the long love letter stage with Ashlyn yet, just the making out and “I love you” stage, but not the poetic letters. Still, you want to show her that you love her.

You think of a hip, modern way to tell her. It hits you.

You send her a simple, yet effective, text.

_“I love you [red heart emoji] [kissy face emoji] [blowing kiss emoji]”_

You might be just a room away from her, but reminders are important.

It’s like you can see through walls because you can nearly picture Ashlyn smiling at the text.

 _“Well, Ms. Krieger, I love you too!!! [red heart emoji.]”_ You guys are absolutely disgusting. Love, never could really understand it. _“Come out? I’m bored out here.”_

Since you have nothing better to do inside your room, you go do it. Ashlyn’s on the couch, wasting her day away on her phone. Everybody’s in too good of a mood to care, so let her waste her day, this day isn’t yours to keep anyway.

You sit beside her, so she locks her phone and gives you her full attention. Nobody told you that being in love would be like this. There’s a lot of silence and smiling.

And sudden questions.

“Do you want to make out?” you ask, no hesitation. She nods without even thinking about it. You have no problems kissing her.

Her lips linger on yours for seconds at a time. You pull her closer and closer through tugging her shirt until she cannot get any closer to you. For people so collected outwardly, you two are a hot mess on that couch.

You want her. She wants you. It should be as simple as that.

She kisses your jawline, then down your neck _s-l-o-w-l-y._ You don’t protest, but it _would_ be nicer if she just hurried up. Her hands move from behind your neck and on the couch to both being on your back. You feel all the pressure.

Ashlyn pulls away first. She takes you down and for a while, you don’t mind.

She grabs a hold of the zipper on your jeans and slides it down. Nobody told you that this would make you nervous, and rightfully so.

But there’s something about her placing her hands down at your hips and pulling your jeans lower that make you feel like such a tease. Nobody told you that it would be this hard. You wanted this to be the first positive experience since Germany, but whatever happened there is still stuck in your mind.

_Get over it, Ali. It’s been years._

Your thoughts hate you.

Nobody told you that the first time trying again, you would burst into tears and try to avoid her gaze. You pull your pants fully back up and slightly push her off.  She scoots to the other side of the couch. Ashlyn, above anything, is bewildered.

She did nothing wrong, you know that. And you trust her _,_ but the knot in your throat and desire to puke stand stronger than your trust. Your eyes sting at the tears seeping through.

You’re split. You feel like a tease because you’re the one who initiated it, but you also cannot help how you feel.

Ashlyn understands you as best as she can. “Ali, can I come over there?” she asks. Nobody told you that the next person would care.

You nod. She asks if she can hold you. You nod. She does.

Nobody told you that being hugged was your solution. It prevented you from freaking out even more. Nobody told you how much pain this would cause and how distressed you will be. The puking feeling never really goes away, it’s almost always there. People like you live through things like this, sometimes hardly.

But you’re living with it and Ashlyn is assisting you. You wouldn’t want it to be anybody else.

“I love you,” you whisper as if nobody knows. Your face is buried deep in the crook of Ashlyn’s neck.

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says. She makes you look her in the eyes, but still maintains a firm grasp on your hands with hers. It isn’t a threatening grasp. “This person really hurt you, huh?”

“I… I guess so.”

“They aren’t here now. It’s just me and I won’t hurt you.” You hope so.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no, don’t do that. I’m not going to make you do anything that you don’t want to. You mean so much to me.”

There is no plausible explanation for Ashlyn’s deep love for you and why it happened so quickly. But thinking about it, it doesn’t _need_ an explanation. Love never does and it hardly ever has one.

Ashlyn lets you rest your head on her lap. She flashes a smile at you and plays with your hair. You could live like this for the rest of your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! Nothing that bad happened. I think it only goes up from here.


	15. it'll be us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Tobin's wedding. This is probably going to be the highlight of Ali's pretty miserable life. Probably.

The things that God does for Tobin Heath is incredible. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that Tobin stole all your fortune prior to birth. It is the only logical explanation for why your life sucks six out of seven days and why her life hardly ever sucks. There was that entire Alex-almost-dying-and-Tobin-was-so-ready-to-jump-off-a-bridge thing, but, you know, trivial.

God gave Tobin a June wedding.

June eighteenth, to be more specific.

You and Ashlyn got the invitation in the mail sometime in March. Alex and Tobin are very abrupt and their wedding invitation happened to be as well. Large, bold font. Vibrant colors. You knew every bit of information about their wedding before they even sent them out.

The invitation was a nice, light blue. It had a geometric tree or something on it, silhouettes of fairy lights hanging across the card. Sure, it was pretty, but you grinned at the information on it. Prettiest sight in the world, besides Ashlyn.

_“Alex and Tobin would be delighted to invite you to their wedding on June 18th, 2016!_

_It’s at five o’clock in the afternoon at Langdon Farms Golf Club._

_24377 Airport Rd NE, Aurora, OR 97002_

_RSVP to …”_

A _farm_ which is also a _golf course._ There is no doubt that Tobin is responsible for this.

The months leading up to it are very… odd. You hardly see the couple at all. They are most likely too caught up in being with each other; they always are. A lot of time is spent with Ashlyn at the Skurf with Hope, because she works there, and Kelley, who is in Portland for Alex’s wedding (and because she’s going to be your neighbor).

Kelley is an… interesting character. She picked out your dress and Ashlyn’s suit, though, so she isn’t too overwhelming. She reminds you of a girl you used to know in high school, but Morgan Brian was a lot more calm than Kelley.

So she makes you smile because the good parts of you exist because of Morgan. She was your best friend. You wonder how she’s doing now (probably well. Last time you checked, she was doing great. She’s in a relationship and working as a physical educ

Anyway, you’re wearing a nice, red dress and Ashlyn looks even more proper than the day you met her. You two show up with Kelley and Hope, both of whom seem to really get along.

You walk in, your arm wrapped tightly around Ashlyn, and are instantly greeted by Alex and Tobin’s parents. Alex’s look like the typical, liberal, American, middle-upper class white parents. Tobin’s look like the conservative, American, middle class white people who probably go fishing often and hate liberals.

How Tobin was allowed to marry this girl, you will never know.

They seem like they love each other though. Alex and Tobin’s parents, that is. Of course Alex and Tobin love each other. They’re getting married.

Flash forward to when the guests actually arrive and you see _everybody_ that Alex and Tobin have spoken about before. Their siblings appear and look just how they described them, the famous Steph Curry (and family) and Draymond Green show up, as does Clint Dempsey and his family. You see Mallory Pugh with Megan Rapinoe probably planning to do something to Tobin after the actual marriage part of it. Everyone looks so beautiful and mature and you never even knew them when they were young and invincible.

And then, it is time.

You and Ashlyn take your seats, all the other typical things happen. For whatever reason, Tobin decided that she wanted to be at the end of the aisle, waiting, waiting, waiting for the love of her life to reach her. It’s a pain watching it all happen, mostly because you just want Alex to get to the end and be with Tobin.

Maybe it's her athletic background, but Alex recovered quickly. She obviously can't go do a triathlon, yet the mere sight of her being able to walk close to normal is enough to make grown men cry. 

As she walks down, you can see the tears in Tobin’s eyes building up. You hope none of it spills over, otherwise her eye makeup is completely ruined. If you’re being truthful, she looks so beautiful in that dress.

They’re both clad in white, obviously. It’s indescribable how good they look, almost. Alex’s dress has these pretty, kind of sparkly, ruffles at the end and it reminds you of a Christmas present, or the wrapping in it. They’re less of the tacky, weird ruffles, and more like folds. The dress’s upper half clings to Alex’s well defined body, and it leaves people wondering. She’s clutching the flowers tightly, her hair looks good every single day, but now it falls perfectly. She has prepared for this moment since God knows how long.

You can still see Tobin nearly crying. She’s bracing every single breath, which is kind of hard to do when you’re trying not to cry. Despite the entire crying ordeal, she still looks so happy and beautiful. Jesus Christ, the smile on her face is rejuvenating.

You hear the minister say, “Welcome to this day of celebration, it's great to have all of you here to witness the union of Tobin and Alex as wife and wife before God. Together, we will share in the joys of their wedding, both with the outward celebration of this occasion and with an internal appreciation for the love that surrounds us.” Tobin is practically twitching. They’re reaching the end of the aisle. “Who gives this bride today?”

“I do,” Alex’s father answers. The minister nods and Alex’s father sits down two-ish rows from you, right next to his wife.

The minister turns to the couple. “Tobin and Alex, you two have the opportunity to build an amazing life together. You are blessed to share this experience with the loved ones gathered here to support you as you embark on this journey together.” And of course, everything else he says sticks out too. “As the Bible reminds us in Corinthians, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.’ May you all remember and cherish this ceremony, for on this day, with love, we will forever bind Tobin and Alex together.”

One thing you begin to realize is that this guy talks a _lot._ It’s with good reason and most of it is interesting to listen to, but you’re longing to just see them say “I do” and kiss, in the least creepy way. Also, you kind of need to pee.

He begins to talk about how marriage is the greatest gift of all, as well as the greatest privilege. Marriage works only when there is simultaneous respect and love, not one without the other. Ashlyn and you are practically already married.

Now, it’s the fun part: the vows being said.

He starts, “Tobin and Alex, I would now invite you to publicly speak your commitment to your partner.” He turns to Tobin. “Tobin, would you like to begin?”

Tobin nods and gulps. She stares into Alex’s eyes before starting. She never takes her eyes off. “I, Tobin, take you, Alex, to be my lawfully wedded wife. You are the most wonderful girl I have ever met. You are so kind and caring and I aspire to be as good as you are. I am completely and totally in love with you. In front of God and our family and friends, I promise to respect you, make you happy, and be the best wife I can be to you. When you're sad, I'll comfort you, when you are happy, and I'll share your joy and love you for all eternity. This is my solemn vow.”

Apparently, they wrote their own. What a bunch of cuties, doing cute, cheesy romantic things like marriage and writing their own vows. You don’t go to weddings often, because you don’t have friends. Still, you can tell how horribly Tobin-customized this is just based on how related it is to God and how chick-flick it feels, pleasing Alex probably.

“Alex, you may now say your vows.”

“I, Alex, take you, Tobin, to be my lawfully wedded wife. You are my very best friend. You make me smile, you make me food, and you make me happy. I am truthfully and undoubtedly in absolute love with you. In front of God and our family and friends, I promise to respect you, make you happy, and be the best wife I can be to you. When you're sad, I'll comfort you, when you are happy, and I'll share your joy and love you for all eternity. This is my solemn vow,” Alex says. You’re about to weep.

“Tobin and Alex please join hands,” he says and they do. Alex’s bouquet is safely in the hands of a family member. “Tobin, do you take Alex to live together in the union of marriage? To take her as your best friend and partner in life? To honor, cherish, and love her, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for all of your days?”  
Tobin doesn’t even hesitate. “I do.”

“Alex, do you take Tobin to live together in the union of marriage? To take her as your best friend and partner in life? To honor, cherish, and love her, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for all of your days?"

Alex is almost early. “I do.”

Somebody presents the rings, sitting on some expensive cloth.

“The wedding ring's circular shape reflects the unending power of love – a force with no beginning and no end. You should wear these rings proudly, and let them remind you each day of your commitment to one another,” he says. “Please, repeat after me:

_‘I, Tobin, give you Alex this ring as a symbol of my love. As I place it on your finger, I commit the whole of my heart and soul to you. I promise to cherish you for the rest of my days. I give you all that I am, and accept all that you are.’_

_  
_ _‘I, Alex, give you Tobin this ring as a symbol of my love. As I place it on your finger, I commit the whole of my heart and soul to you. I promise to cherish you for the rest of my days. I give you all that I am, and accept all that you are.’_ ”

They repeat it. Tobin shakily places the ring on Alex, Alex slowly places the ring on Tobin. You can’t imagine that they’re thinking about much besides that. In a way, they’re overthinking it.

After what feels like ages, the minister speaks again, “Family and friends, by the power vested in me by the Universal Life Church and by the state of Oregon, I am pleased to pronounce Tobin and Alex as wife and wife, sealed together today both in law and in love.” Finally, the moment everybody has been waiting for has arrived. “You may now kiss your partner.”

It looks like a comfortable kiss. It’s not as explicit as you are used to with them, but it’s still the type of kiss you can associate them with. They’ve kissed at least thousands of times before since they’ve been together for at least seven years, but this surely means the most.

Ashlyn reaches over and squeezes your hand, as if to tell you that one day, it will be you two. You hope so. A love close to theirs would be a love worth having.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Tobin and Alex Heath!” They prance off to God only knows where. The _fun_ part is about to begin.

The place is incredibly dim. Maybe that’s what gives everybody so much confidence.

* * *

 For one, you’re clutching Ashlyn’s hand. Maybe that’s because you’re at your best friends’ wedding, and they both happen to be girls, so you can guess that everybody here will be okay with it.

The second act of confidence comes from Hope and Kelley. They haven’t even began drinking and they’re already acting like complete fools, or straight girls who, with enough alcohol, “become” bi. It’s so obvious Hope’s doing _something_ to Kelley, because she can’t stop fidgeting and biting her lip. Kelley’s head rests on Hope’s broad shoulder. They might as well just whip out a strap-on while they’re at it.

One moment just does it for her. “Oh, uh, we’ll be _right_ back,” Kelley says dragging Hope along with her somewhere.

You watch them sneak away with each other. They're acting like this is a club, not a decent, wholesome wedding.

"I thought Hope was straight," you whisper to Ashlyn.

"I thought she was too,” she whispers back.

The only people at your table now is Mal, the seventeen (eighteen?) year old who _is not allowed to drink but is doing so anyway_ (sorry, Tobin!), Pinoe, who is actually _encouraging_ Mal, and Pinoe’s twin sister, who is doing absolutely nothing to stop this. You don’t even know.

You give up and rest your head on Ashlyn’s.

“Tired?” Ashlyn asks.

You shake your head as best as you can from this awkward position. “No.” It’s a half-truth.

“So, uh, I’m not going to lie, I have no clue what I’m saying,” Steph says through the microphone. He’s shuffling his feet awkwardly up in front. There is no doubt that he is not supposed to be the person up there, but it causes people to laugh. “But, uh, I’m Stephen Curry, one of Alex and Tobin’s friends from high school.”

“What the hell?” Ashlyn asks. She looks at you. “Isn’t somebody else supposed to be there?”

“I have no clue, I didn’t plan their wedding,” you respond.

“You know, Alex is a wonderful girl. She’s loving, caring, and has the heart of a warrior, and I don’t even mind that she likes the Lakers. When we were in high school, she would be right there to talk if I ever needed anything. Tobin’s lucky,” he states. He winks and points a finger gun at the couple. “I’m a huge guy for soulmates, so when Alex started mentioning ‘that cute girl from Chemistry,’ I knew it had to be for real. Tobin was the one. Especially since Tobin put so much work into asking Alex out to homecoming. I mean, come on, after a cross country meet? Only the real ones wait that long.” More laughter.

He continues even more, “Ah, yeah, Tobin. She’s, well, she’s perfect for Alex. She actually cares for her and listens to her feelings -- she puts effort into their relationship, and it paid off. Tobin’s a great girl. She tells the best jokes, hardly is ever in a bad mood, she loves the Lord, and she _loves_ Alex. All she ever wants is for Alex to be happy, and that’s all people really need in relationships: somebody who wants them to be happy.”

Even more, “I hope that Alex and Tobin live a lifetime of happiness together. Their love was about waiting. In college, they lived on opposite sides of the country. When Tobin had the time, she’d go watch my games even though she went to a school two hours away. When they were over, she’d just complain to me about how she missed Alex, and it’d be funny to me because earlier that day I’d have gotten a call where Alex mentioned at least four times that she missed Tobin. They waited, like, four years to be together for more than a few weeks. Then, Alex’s recent illness… Tobin had to wait months for her. And she did it, because she loves her. You’d have to be blind to think they don’t love each other.” He looks over at them, or at least where you assume they were. “I hope that you two have a beautiful marriage together that’ll last until time ends. In the word of John Steinbeck, ‘if it is right, it happens—the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.’”

You wonder if he had that memorized and is lying. Or maybe he’s just good at talking.

Before you know it, Alex and Tobin are up for their first dance as a newlyweds (screw grand entrances). It’s not exactly waltzing, it’s not stiff. It’s just Alex and Tobin probably not remembering what they’re supposed to do, and being all cute and messing their own wedding up.

“Your Song” by Elton John is playing. They’re just talking and smiling at each other, being the Alex and Tobin that you’ve almost always known.

The good thing about having no friends past the age of ten is that you pick up weird skills, like lipreading. Nobody pays attention to you, so you have the time to focus on what everybody else is saying. It was fun before; you got to know all the rumors that flew around the high school halls, like who was sleeping with who and how much people really hated each other. Now, you don’t really find out anything interesting other than what somebody is having for dinner. And you also don’t know any of the people you watch talk, or the people they’re talking about, so it’s pointless.

But this is the one time it’s something you care about.

Alex says something like this, “I see you and feel you in everything. I love you. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

And Tobin just nods and smiles and rests her head on Alex’s shoulder. They are so in love with each other.

“That’s gonna be us,” Ashlyn whispers to you, almost as a promise, but more of a fact. You smile like an idiot because it makes you incredibly happy. It’s like, for once in your life, somebody actually puts you in their plans for the future.

So, yeah, you get sad when Alex dances with her dad because there is a 75% chance your dad won’t be there for your wedding. They’re laughing and having some beautiful father-daughter dance because they have a close relationship. And even when Tobin dances with her golf-playing looking dad, you get sad. But you keep remembering what Ashlyn said, and you’re alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me so long lmao i'm sorry. thank u for reading :-)


	16. brother, meet girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley might just be the worst neighbor Ali has ever had. But thank God for Kyle Krieger.

While Alex and Tobin are off in some beautiful island nowhere near Portland, you are, well, in Portland. You don’t want to be anywhere else, though. There is a reason you are where you are, and you spent your whole life getting there.

She is sitting right next to you on Tobin and Alex’s couch. You’re house sitting for them while they’re on a secluded, exotic island, copulating every second of the day. It’s not like either of you mind it, their place is nice and the view is beautiful.

The reality is that your life will probably never be as “luxurious” as theirs. As long as they let you into their house, you’re fine with what the world gives you.

Ashlyn and you (kind of) are watching House Hunters. Your head is on her lap in the most innocent way possible and she’s playing with your hair because fuck that shit feels good and she knows it.

And, of course, the doorbell rings. You get quality alone time watching stupid TV shows and it is ruined. Your eyes trail up to meet Ashlyn’s and there is a silent agreement made: if the person rings the doorbell again, then you’ll answer it.

Of course, that’s exactly what happens.

You groan and force yourself up, fumbling all the way to the door. You brace yourself -- social interaction is hard --and open it. Your eyes are glued to the girl in front of you. She’s got freckles, a giant, goofy grin on her face, and a pie in her hands.

Kelley O’Hara.

“Sweetie? Who is it?” Ashlyn asks before walking up behind you.

“It’s Kelley,” you respond, almost as if she’s not there.

“I brought you guys pie,” she says, showing you it. You nod slowly. Amazing.

“I… What? Why?” Ashlyn is astounded.

“Well, I figured since you guys are my neighbors now, we should start off on good terms. So I brought you pie,” she explains.

“Thank you. I think.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome.” She lets herself into the house, somehow slipping through both you and Ashlyn. You just watch her. She’s harmless. “So, how do you know Hope?” She plops onto the couch.

Nothing comes easy. The pie came with having to entertain a five year old disguised as a twenty-something year old.

“She works at the Skurf with me,” Ashlyn tells her. “You know, she’s probably there right now…”

“Really? Oh, well, I can’t just leave. Not right now. We have to get to know each other! Come on, guys!” Kelley turns to you. “Tell me about yourself!”

You start, “Well, um, my name is Ali Krieger. I’m twenty-something. Somewhere around that. I’m fluent in German.”

“Oh, that’s cool! Where’d you go to college?”

“Penn State. In Pennsylvania. Where did you go to college?”

“Stanford.” She says it like it’s the most believable thing in the world. You nearly have a coughing fit from disbelief. “I majored in science. Technology and society. Environment engineering. All that stuff.”

Kelley O'Hara, the woman who is quite possibly the most immature person you have ever met, majored in science at Stanford.

“Wait, like, you… I… What?” Ashlyn struggles to get out.

Kelley simply nods. “I know, it doesn’t look like I would, but I did! What did you do?”

“I stayed local. Gotta help out my family, you know?” She talks about herself to other people differently than she does to you. With you, she says every detail. This might just be because she knows that nobody cares as much as you do, or because Kelley has no attention span.

“Yeah, no, I get you. I probably would’ve done the same if I were you.”

“Is that because Hope works where I do?”

Kelley chokes on air. “I… Not entirely?”

Ashlyn acts like she’s Kelley’s mom or something. A little too supportive. “Go get her.”

“I couldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, Kelley, you could. Go.” Their banter is great.

In the midst of it all, you receive a text. It’s not Alex or Tobin. It’s literally Kyle Krieger, and by now you shouldn’t really be surprised. He texts you fairly often for somebody who you haven’t seen in a really long time.

He’s becoming the brother that he used to be. He asks you how your day was and about all your new friends, except he doesn’t know who Ashlyn is. Hell, he probably doesn’t even know that you’re into girls. But that’s not his fault, really, that’s yours.

Have you ever thought about that? If you just told him, then he would know? No. You haven’t, because you’re so focused on Ashlyn. Not a bad thing, but if your brother knew, it’d be a lot more fun.

“Hey, Al! I’m in Portland. You busy?” he asks. Of course he’s in Portland.

“Wait really? Omg… K. We’re meeting up today. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

* * *

It takes approximately two hours, fourteen minutes, and forty-five seconds to convince Kelley O’Hara that she should go after Hope Solo. It also takes Ashlyn about a minute to pick Kelley up, force her outside, tell her “Just fucking do it,” and shut the door. Even Ashlyn has a breaking point.

You take a deep breath. One thing over with, onto the next.

But the next problem isn’t getting Kelley O’Hara out of your house, it’s meeting your kind-of-estranged brother. The man who left a huge Kyle Krieger shaped hole in your heart and life is coming back. Really, you shouldn’t be happy about it, but there’s nobody else who’ll fill that part of you. Not even Ashlyn. Nobody is quite like Kyle Krieger.

You aren’t going to be completed entirely, since there are still other holes to cover, but, you know, baby steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day (and if it were, it would look really shitty).

You decide to tell Ashlyn as quickly as possible. “We’regoingtomeetKyle,” you say. She just looks at you.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“My brother.”

“What about him?”

“He’s in Portland and he wants to meet up.”

She doesn’t make a cruel joke. She doesn’t act like she’s not taking you seriously or get mad (after dealing with Kelley, you’re shocked). She doesn’t even act like this might make you bad again -- You love Ashlyn, but maybe even she couldn’t handle the post-Germany and post-Kyle version of Ali.

She doesn’t really say much at first, but when she does speak, she only asks a question, “What hat should I wear?”

She picks a snapback from some skateboard company.

* * *

He looks older than you remember, but he probably thinks the same about you. For one, he has a beard. He has never had a beard before.

When you walk into the coffee shop, he flashes you a smile. His eyes crinkle the ways that yours do.

He stands up and gives you a hug and although you’re a little hesitant, you hug him back. He smells like a fancy cologne. Not the one that he used to wear, but somehow, this suits him more. He’s an older, maturer man. The scent is more elegant and less about making him smell better, but making it a part of who he is.

Ashlyn stands awkwardly next to you. Kyle releases you and looks her directly in the eye.

“Are you the person that Ali is talking about?” he asks.

“She talks about me?” Ashlyn wants clarification. You go red.

“She talked about you today.”

“Oh. I’m Ashlyn, and you must be Kyle,” she guesses.

“Ali, I like her already.” You cringe a little. The thought of them becoming close might be too weird to you. “But why did you want me to meet her?”

You go redder. “Well, I’m… We… Can we get some coffee first?” you request. It’s always going to be a little weird to you. He nods.

You and Ashlyn order the obvious. He takes some latte that you actually hate preparing. The three of you settle down at a table. He doesn’t bring it up again, either because he forgot or because he figured that you would tell him eventually.

Like many other things, you blurt it out: “We’re dating. She’s my… girlfriend,” you tell him. He nods and strokes his beard.

“How long have you two been together?”

You and Ashlyn stare at each other. Longer than I expected. “Uh, a few months?”

“Ashlyn, break up with her immediately, she doesn’t know how long you two have been dating!” he exclaims. It earns a laugh from Ashlyn and a near heart attack and even redder face from you. “No, okay. You went to Germany, I know that. What's that thing in German? It means 'I love you.'”

“‘Ich liebe dich.’”

“Do you say that to Ashlyn?” Now he’s just trying to embarrass you. “Do you ‘liebe’ Ashlyn?”

“Of course I do!” you say. Even if you were deadly drunk, you would never be as red as you are now. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” You say the last part a little quieter.

Ashlyn blushes and Kyle smiles.

“I just got out of a relationship. So lucky you.” You want to apologize for it, but before you can, he switches the topic. “Have you told Mom and Dad yet?”

You shake your head. “I haven’t spoken to them in a while.”

“Right,” he says. “They never really loved us, did they? But we’re surviving. We’re doing well.”

You disagree with him for the first part. Your parents did love you, but the love came in the form of dollar bills and expensive cars. You craved actual affection.

Neither of you were want your parents wanted. Kyle was extremely feminine (you lived in a conservative town) while you were just antisocial and had a maximum of three friends at a time (not really what anybody wants their kid to be). The affection never came for you two except between each other.

“We’re doing well,” you agree. Better than well, even. Not just surviving anymore. You’re really living.

Life has never looked so beautiful.

This will be the end of Kyle not being in your life. He’s going to move closer to Portland, or at least come to Portland a lot. He’s going to talk to you every single day, not just holidays and when he’s deathly bored. He’ll come to your wedding. It’ll be like the old times again, except not really.

The old Kyle isn’t coming back. Neither is the old Ali. You two treat each other maturely, not as the childish “best friends” you were. You small talk.

It’s not the same, but that’s fine. He respects that it never will be that way again and that you might not be able to really ever view him the same way. After all, he left you when you were most vulnerable.

There’s always going to be cracks from him leaving. You’re never going to fix it or your relationship with him. You’re not sure it’s ever going to be the way that it was, only that you are going to keep trying to make it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol im back!! sike you thought i was, but no, i start school again tomorrow!! anyway, there's TWO more chapters of this and it's so yikes bc i have NEVER finished a fic. i'm just glad this fic exists tho. i dunno what i'd do. thanks for reading. see y'all in like five years (no i am not addressing the loss. ever. i did not register it in my head so it never happened).


	17. moments that don't matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happened. Everything is much better now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a sweet, little, short chapter in honor of orlando pride's announcement today. ali is going to look fantastic in purple and she's going to look even more fantastic w ashlyn by her

Your first time with her is after you come home from talking to Kyle. The truth is, you are very worked up over it all and Ashlyn  _ knows. _

Kyle might never see you again. Yeah, he could move to Portland. He could do a  _ lot _ of things, but nobody ever knows until it happens. The uncertainty kills you.

To keep it very short and sweet on how it  _ started, _ you two basically made out until things got a little steamier and, well, yeah.

Things happened.

The weird thing is that when she asked you if you were okay and ready with this, you said yes and you meant it.

For the first time in awhile, you feel at ease. Whatever happened in Germany doesn’t hurt you anymore, not with Ashlyn at least. Truth is, you don’t want this with anybody else.

Ashlyn respects you and knows you. She knows how you like your eggs done and what to put in your coffee. When you get upset, she understands that it is never with her. She knows how you like to be held -- tightly -- and when you want to be -- always.   


Whatever happened in the past is over now. You aren’t over it, because it was a terrible thing that you might never get over, but you can really acknowledge it now without it being too much of a problem. Ashlyn never finds it to be a burden because she’s just a  _ decent human being. _ It doesn’t hurt that she loves you.

You can live with yourself and accept that what happened back then will not happen again, especially not with Ashlyn. You deserve better than that. You deserve the best, even if you don’t feel that way sometimes.

Trust has always been a funny thing to you. You’ve struggled with it a lot as a result of your parents being absolutely awful; if you can’t trust your family, who can you trust? Kyle left you at such a vulnerable time in your life under such unstable conditions, he lost your trust. You trust Morgan still, wherever she might be. Alex and Tobin? Are they  _ really _ trustworthy? Surely, they love you, but love is not the same thing as trust, and they are not inclusive to each other. You don’t know. You’ve never known.

Everything is so uncertain. You hate it, but you know that it is the only way.

Maybe she's only going to be here for a few more months. Maybe a few more years. Maybe she'll even stay forever, but you don't know if she will or not, so you appreciate the moment. It is time you learned to trust people again, and Ashlyn is a good person to trust.

So, you did and you had one of the most comfortable nights in your entire life. Things have never felt so right with somebody before. Then again, that’s not saying very much.

To most people, sex is just sex. They can have it whenever they want and will never have a problem with it. Sex happens.

For you, it’s different. Sex is a milestone. You never thought you would be okay with it, but there you went, and you were okay. You know that if you weren’t, then Ashlyn wouldn’t have made you.

You are probably going to tell Alex all about it when she gets back. She’s going to be all wide-eyed not because you’re talking about  _ sex,  _ but because  _ you’re _ talking about sex and your own experience. She’s going to be proud, especially because she can slightly grasp the idea.

Tobin, on the other hand, will probably just go on and talk about her own sex life which is, as she says rarely, “fire.” Then again, you doubt either of them have had similar experiences, but you cannot judge or assume. Assumptions do not do anything but misguide.

Life will be life. Live it. Bask in the frivolities and submerge yourself in the love that surrounds you. Things are wonderful, don’t you see? Of course you do. You do now.

Portland has never looked this nice before. You’ve never felt this good about your life before. For once in your life, you want to go out and enjoy your life and  _ do things, _ because  _ God, _ you’re so in love. Love is the greatest motivator out there.

You’re motivated to fix things. You’re motivated to improve yourself and your life.

Ashlyn has made you a better person and you can’t even deny it. And now, she knows you more than anybody ever has and ever will.

It’s Ashlyn or nothing at this point. You’re never letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i have been gone for so long! i've had school and my life and whatever. thank you for being patient and reading. also, BLESS because krashlyn is reunited at orlando pride... i'm so happy.


	18. the best of times, pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali knows these times will never end and problems will arise. Life still seems to be better than ever before. And it's okay that she'll go through hard times. She'll have some amazing memories, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the LAST chapter holy crap!!

Guess who’s back? That’s right.

Tobin and Alex.

They’re glowing. Your life is better because they’re back in it. Not that life with only Ashlyn, Kelley, and Hope was _bad,_ but come on: Alex is your _best friend._ Of course you miss her in your life. Besides, when somebody nearly dies, you learn to appreciate that person a lot more.

It’s not like you have the ability to choose your friends. Friends just happen. But if you could choose anybody, Alex and Tobin would still be the best choice. Who else would set you up with Ashlyn?

That’s right; they’re completely responsible for it. In case you forgot or something. Be grateful. Also, don’t be an idiot, they’re some of the greatest people in the world for other reasons than getting you a girlfriend. Appreciate them. People don’t last forever.

They tell you that their time away was amazing, but Portland is their home and they’re glad to be back. Still, you know it doesn’t really matter where they are. They probably had an amazing time because they were together, not away from Portland. If they spent their time at Voodoo Doughnuts for five days straight, they’d still be happy.

“Do you guys ever miss your hometown?” Tobin asks.

Alex answers quickly, “Things were simpler there. Except I hate the suburbs. But I met you there.” She’s conflicted. “I guess that’s the best part of that stupid city.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not there anymore, I live here. With you.”

“Right. Then that town can go die.”

How cute.

They’re so perfect, it kind of makes you jealous sometimes. Why aren’t you and Ashlyn _that_ kind of perfect?

But then, you think, you don’t have to be perfect like them. You two are wonderful the way that you are.

Tobin turns to you and Ashlyn. “You guys?”

You let Ashlyn answer. And she says, “I live in my hometown, so…” Yeah. You forgot. “It’s nice. I do wish I went out of here more, but I’m glad I stayed.” She looks at you.

“I’m glad I left,” you tell her instinctively.

“Do tell,” Alex says.

You have so much to say. You’ve never really voiced _why_ you hate your hometown. You aren’t there and you never go there, so that should be evidence enough that you do hate it. Why?

“God. It’s just so conservative. I can’t even begin to explain how conservative it is. Ashlyn’s lucky because Portland is, well, _Portland,_ you guys lived in California which is _also_ super liberal, but what the hell did I get? The middle of nowhere.”

“Were your friends conservative?”

“It’s nice that you used the plural form. You are so confident that I had more than one friend.”

She laughs semi-forcefully. “Was your friend conservative?”

“No. She was really great. If she wasn’t so busy all the time, we’d actually spend time together. I don’t really know what happened to her after college. I don’t know if I want to know. I bet she’s dating a really nice guy who probably plays baseball or something. But, no, she wasn’t conservative, to answer your question. That’s probably why we were such good friends.”

You two were outcasts. While Morgan could fit in more, news travelled quickly in your town. Everybody knew about your brother because he didn’t really try to hide anything about himself after a while, except from your parents. Then he left. Things just got weird after that.

Ah. Then college. You don’t talk about college.

You add on, “Other than that, the town was just filled with such judgmental people.”

“Isn’t that everywhere?” Alex asks. You think about it for a while. She’s right.

“It couldn’t have affected you that much. You were the best runner in California, how could anybody judge you?”

She slightly twitches at your past tense. She’s not the best runner anywhere anymore. Not only because of her injury at the collegiate level, but also because of her illness. Which you really should remember. You don’t really think you can forget it, anyway.

“Everybody judges everybody,” she says, and it’s her only answer. “God. To think I used to be a runner…”

“The best runner in the whole state of California,” Tobin reminds her. Alex nods sullenly.

“I haven’t even gone on a run since… before I got sick. That was such a long time ago.” You never realized how important running actually was to her until now. You don’t even think she realized how much she misses it until this point either.

If she never got hurt, she probably would never have gone to Portland. She’d just go back to Berkeley, graduate, then live somewhere else with Tobin. You would have never met her, Tobin would have never worked at the Skurf, and you’d never talk to Ashlyn.

Things had to happen how they did, even if they were tragic. This was no accident. The way that events unfolded and hardships occurred had to happen. The pain that was dealt to all of you had to happen. Was it worth it? You’d like to think so.

Admittedly, Olympian Alex Morgan would have had a nicer life. Still, the Alex Morgan that is your best friend has a great life and as for you, your life would _suck_ without her.

“Let’s go on a run then,” Tobin says, “I promise it’ll make you feel good.”

“Tobin, I don’t know… What if I hurt myself?”

Tobin scoffs. “You’re Alex Morgan, the best runner in the entire _universe._ I love you. Let’s run.” Alex smiles at her and you know she genuinely believes her. “Ali, Ashlyn, you should come! Actually, I’m not giving you the choice. We’re doing it.”

* * *

 

You're all running off into the horizon. Alex is leading all of you and it's almost like she never got sick. Yet, she says she wouldn't trade the experience for a thing. It hurt, she almost died, and Tobin got hurt too, but she learned to appreciate everything more. The lesson was worth it.  
  
But, if she could do it again, she definitely would never.

Tobin yells from behind Alex, "Run, Alex, run!"

You and Ashlyn are at the same pace, much behind Tobin and Alex. But that’s fine, because this isn’t the time to compete with them. This is their moment.

Alex seems so free. Other than her wedding, you haven’t seen her this happy since Christmas. She’s hardly even limping or slow.

It’s a miracle.

This is impressive enough, you wonder how much better she was in high school and college.

Tobin is right. Alex is the best runner in the entire universe.

* * *

 

You find yourselves in front of one of the many Starbucks in the city. Alex heads in, then Tobin, then Ashlyn, but you pause. You know that this is where it all began. Here was where you met Ashlyn, and even if it was two-dimensional and creepy back then, you got what you wanted.  
  
So you order a caramel macchiato.   
  
You stare at Alex and Tobin and you don't see lust in their eyes. You look at their left hand ring fingers and see the simple bands that both of them always have on. You see Alex's neck, which has a chain around it holding the engagement ring. Alex's eyes are overfilled with adoration and love.   
  
Ashlyn gets the same thing as you. You smile at her despite your attempts not to. She sits beside you, and you don't think about anything except for the fact that you are happy.   
  
The sun is out, and on any other day, you would mind that it is reflecting off some display on the table and hitting you right in the eye. Today, however, it's hitting Ashlyn too, and perfectly. She's golden in the grey Oregon light. It is not that bad.   
  
You don't think about tomorrow or yesterday. You just think about now.

Right now, a married Alex and Tobin sit across from you. Your girlfriend is next to you, her hand on your knee. You aren't really active in the conversation, but that's fine, because you can hear their warm laughter and it comforts you to know that there will be many more conversations. The crinkles by everyone's squinted eyes is how you know that it truly is the best of times.

You even saw your brother and he’s okay. He is much more present in your life than he has been since high school.  
You might appreciate Ashlyn's presence more than any of that though. After all, you didn't spend this entire time pining over a girl to be ungrateful.   
  
You found your soulmate. Your best friend. Your everything. It took you a while and caused a lot of pain, but that's fine. You never have to deal with that pain again because you found her. She is the only one for you.   
  
And you know what? You are the only one for her.   
  
When you take a sip of your caramel macchiato, you realize you have waited just long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. i finally did it: i finished writing a multi-chapter fanfiction for once in my life. 2. this makes me sad because... i really actually liked writing ccwd. 3. thank you all so much for reading! if you are reading this when i published it, happy holidays! this took me basically an entire year to finish, mostly due to writer's block. thank you for reading!!! i will be back eventually with that talex backstory that i mentioned a while ago. honestly i'm very proud of this. i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. i love you all. see y'all in 2017. IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS, PLEASE FOLLOW MY TUMBLR: oharatrash.tumblr.com ... or leave comments and give me kudos and whatnot. do what ya want. thank yoouuuuuuuUUUUuuuuUUuuU


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